For my first post of the new year, I've decided that this post will be on my resolutions for the upcoming year. Until recently, I wasn't going to have any. I think that they're cliche and so overly done that they aren't followed because people pile on too much. As of today, my gym experience will be nightmarish with all of the out-of-shape folks trying to do too much and crowding the gym. But I don't worry because they'll be gone by February.
Well, I don't need to go on a diet, because I'm already on one, and I don't need to get fit, because I am. I don't need to quit coffee, because... I'm not going to. Anyway, I have decided upon a couple of resolutions, and, after much thought, I realized how much they are related.
1.) I resolve to stop buying DVDs from the five-dollar bin at Wal-Mart. It is an... addiction. Now, I don't plan on cold turkey, but I want to be more responsible with my money. I am 20.
2.) I resolve not to worry about my future/destiny.
I'm sure you understand number one, but let me explain number 2 and how it's related. You see, I like, no love, movies. It takes you to a place where things are much simpler, or to a place that is more complicated. Either way, you feel relieved to watch them. I think that movies are predictable. They all are. Even the ones that people claim, "You'll never guess who did what!" They just are to me. However, don't get me wrong. I love this about them. They are a control group in my experiment called life.
Oftentimes, I wish my life was scripted. It has a plot. It has a protagonist, and the protagonist has opposing forces. There are arcs of conflict and, finally, a resolution. Guess what? After the resolution, after the one solitary problem of that character's life is done, it's over. No more conflict. No more. Human life is an unscripted play. The worst play ever devised, I might add, but a play. It has all these mini-plots inside of the big plot and the big plot doesn't even makes sense.
Alright, here's what I'm trying to say: I don't know what to do with my life. I remember looking at college kids that were my age now as a high-schooler and thinking, "Wow, they have it all together." Why don't I have it together? So many of my friends know what they want. They are already married, engaged, and even having children.
I want kids one day. However, I'm not even close to becoming stable enough for a relationship, let alone kids. But I also don't want to be 30 before I begin to have them. It seems as if I don't act now, I may miss out. For those that know me, you know that my love-life is anything but stable. In fact, it's a mess. That part of my life is filled with regret and angst. There's nothing I can do about it now though. It's one of those things that bother me constantly. "Could this girl be it?" "Could she be the one I marry?" I need to quit before it eats me up on the inside. Girls are also very complicated. I wish that they would just tell you what they want. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I know this may sound funny, but my love-life most closely resembles that of J.D. from Scrubs. Except, my experiences aren't as funny.
So, here I sit. 3:30 on New Year's Day. Alone. Single. Inexperienced. And I have no idea where to go from here. But, hey, I'm not going to worry about it. Plus, I'll have a few extra dollars in my pocket from not buying DVDs.
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