For those of you that don't know, I've had a pretty severe cold for the past week. It's been rough. I've gone through medicine after medicine and I'm still not better. It's ok. I'll get through.
With all these medicines, there are... side effects. Some make you sleep, some keep you awake, some throw you into a half-tired, half-caffeinated state. I took all three last night. Bad idea, I know, but you're missing the point of the story... Anyway, I finally fell into dream land and just as quickly I pop up in a speeding car.
I'm being chased by the cops in a high-speed pursuit in what looks to be some kind of city at night in Chinatown. The only thing that makes me know it's a dream is that Angelina Jolie is driving. I know, I know. You're interested. Just hold on. The only thing is I'm not myself. I'm... I'm... Bob. Bob Sagget. America's Funniest Home Videos and Full House, Bob.
Anyway, we, myself (Bob Sagget) and Angelina Jolie, pull into a gas station and she give me a pair of scissors and tells me to run. So, I run. I mean, you're supposed to listen to Angelina when she tells you to do something. I run into the gas station and look to see what happened to Angelina. (Of course.) I don't see her, but I see Bruce Willis jump out of a police car and start running after me.
Now, let me clarify something. It wasn't awesome, Die Hard Bruce. It was crazy, 12 Monkeys Bruce. For those that don't know of the 12 Monkeys, it's a bizarre, futuristic action movie where Bruce is sent to the past to save the future and he's homeless and crazy and he rants. The whole time, you don't know if he's telling the truth or just crazy.
Well, back to the story. I run to the back of the this gas station and there's a massive factory-like area in the back. I start up a ladder and Bruce is just laughing hysterically and running after me in just a trench-coat, jeans, and fingerless gloves. I'm halfway up and he grabs my ankle and, for some reason, I throw my scissors at him. It doesn't stick him, it just bounces off him and he gets my only weapon. I go through an opening at the top of the roof and I'm on top of a skyscraper (somehow). So, I run to the edge and Bruce Willis busts through the hatch with the scissors and runs over to me with a crazed-killing look on his face. He grabs me by the shirt, lifts me up over the edge, raises the scissors high in the air and cuts of my tie. He puts me down, we shake hands and he flies away. Exeunt Bruce
Jay wakes up.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Dating Tips
I know what you're probably thinking: "Why is a single, 20-year-old going to give out dating advice?" Well, frankly, I don't know. However, sometimes I believe that those that give advice are often less likely to follow their own wisdom. It's true. Look at doctors. "Don't smoke. Excuse me, my nicotine stick is making my mouth water..."
Before we begin, I must let you know that some inspiration was taken from a song by That Handsome Devil called "Dating Tips." I don't recommend everything in that song, but that's why I'm writing my own bit and not just spitting out song lyrics. Anyway, digression...
GUYS:
Well, first let's start with the fellas. Fellas?! Can I get a hey-OH?! Well, fine... Hey-ohs are out, I guess. Digression! My first point, don't get off-topic. It's just aggravating.
Alright, real first point: Confidence. This is it. The key. Magical, I know.
With the first topic, I must also clarify that I don't begin to understand the complexities of the female mind. It's better left as unexplored territory.
I often see these horrifyingly, fugly fellas dating bombshells. What is up with that? After mucho scientific research, including animal testing, I've realized it's not looks, it's something inside. They're confident. They may not be awesome, but they believe they are. However, there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is belief you are awesome and arrogance is belief that you are more awesome than others. You see the arrogant ones. They are also referred to as "tools." Over-gelled, Backstreet Boys with self-tanner. Tools.
Another big one: "Girls have, will always have, the upper hand." Know this. Learn this. Understand this. You may think you know what's going on, but you don't. They are far more clever. You're dating relationship is a life chess set. And you're playing Bobby Fisher. They may even say they don't know, but they do. You must understand the enemy before you battle them. (Just kidding about "battle." Knives on the first date are a red-flag.)
Something you should also take into account, don't replace confidence with "liquid courage." It's slightly insulting to a female to be hit on by a drunk.
Honestly, what do you have to lose, you're already single? What's the worst that could happen? More singleness? Now, on to females. Don't worry guys. I'll be back later. With part deaux.
FEMALES:
Hiya. Going into this, I'm going to say that I only guess at "girl code." I don't actually know the code, but if I'm wrong, let me know and I'll ratify it in part deaux.
First, and foremost, play hard to get. Good things never come quickly.
A subtext of this rule is: Don't talk about old boyfriends. Male are, for some reason, slightly territorial. They have what is called, a "Columbus Complex." Other people may have been there, but we still wanna say we discovered it.
Also, don't talk about plans for the future. Guys don't plan and we really don't like to talk about a family with a girl we are just starting to date. Even if we want kids, we won't let you know that for a while.
And to let you know a little secret, all men are sexist. We may appreciate women and agree with equal pay and what-not, but we still want to be dominate. It's so weird, I know.
To let ALL know before I go, there are exceptions to every rule and there are no perfect situations. It's just a river. Get into the flow and follow it. Be confident and jump in. You'll know what to do. And if you have any more problems, consult with me on Facebook and it may get seen in Part Deaux.
Before we begin, I must let you know that some inspiration was taken from a song by That Handsome Devil called "Dating Tips." I don't recommend everything in that song, but that's why I'm writing my own bit and not just spitting out song lyrics. Anyway, digression...
GUYS:
Well, first let's start with the fellas. Fellas?! Can I get a hey-OH?! Well, fine... Hey-ohs are out, I guess. Digression! My first point, don't get off-topic. It's just aggravating.
Alright, real first point: Confidence. This is it. The key. Magical, I know.
With the first topic, I must also clarify that I don't begin to understand the complexities of the female mind. It's better left as unexplored territory.
I often see these horrifyingly, fugly fellas dating bombshells. What is up with that? After mucho scientific research, including animal testing, I've realized it's not looks, it's something inside. They're confident. They may not be awesome, but they believe they are. However, there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is belief you are awesome and arrogance is belief that you are more awesome than others. You see the arrogant ones. They are also referred to as "tools." Over-gelled, Backstreet Boys with self-tanner. Tools.
Another big one: "Girls have, will always have, the upper hand." Know this. Learn this. Understand this. You may think you know what's going on, but you don't. They are far more clever. You're dating relationship is a life chess set. And you're playing Bobby Fisher. They may even say they don't know, but they do. You must understand the enemy before you battle them. (Just kidding about "battle." Knives on the first date are a red-flag.)
Something you should also take into account, don't replace confidence with "liquid courage." It's slightly insulting to a female to be hit on by a drunk.
Honestly, what do you have to lose, you're already single? What's the worst that could happen? More singleness? Now, on to females. Don't worry guys. I'll be back later. With part deaux.
FEMALES:
Hiya. Going into this, I'm going to say that I only guess at "girl code." I don't actually know the code, but if I'm wrong, let me know and I'll ratify it in part deaux.
First, and foremost, play hard to get. Good things never come quickly.
A subtext of this rule is: Don't talk about old boyfriends. Male are, for some reason, slightly territorial. They have what is called, a "Columbus Complex." Other people may have been there, but we still wanna say we discovered it.
Also, don't talk about plans for the future. Guys don't plan and we really don't like to talk about a family with a girl we are just starting to date. Even if we want kids, we won't let you know that for a while.
And to let you know a little secret, all men are sexist. We may appreciate women and agree with equal pay and what-not, but we still want to be dominate. It's so weird, I know.
To let ALL know before I go, there are exceptions to every rule and there are no perfect situations. It's just a river. Get into the flow and follow it. Be confident and jump in. You'll know what to do. And if you have any more problems, consult with me on Facebook and it may get seen in Part Deaux.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Big Brother's Bugs
So, the other day I was thinking. Bugs are indeed a very annoying part of our Earth. They seem oftentimes to be a unnecessary annoyance. What if they are "unnecessary?" What if they aren't an organic species. Let me explain...
Recently, I saw a toy (a child's toy) that operated on brain power. ??? That's what I said. Brain power. Telekinesis. I thought: If the government can do something like this, imagine what else they could do.
Back to the bugs, what if the government can make bio-intelligent computers. Cameras and sound equipment to infiltrate the common American home. In bugs. Now, for an example, let's look at a more socialistic government to see if it's been attempted before. Let's take a look at London. That's right, London. Have you ever heard of the saying, "In London, you're never more than 10 feet away from a rat." Well, what if rats were the first attempts in bio-cameras? Of course, since we're American and everything we do is better (hehe), we used bugs instead of creating an over-infested rat population.
However, in my theory, there are "real" bugs too. But they live outside.
What is so interesting, is that this theory led to my over-analysis of the Black Plague. What if the Black Plague started off as a biological warfare gone awry. The upper class noticed an increase in the lower class and, fearing an uprising, took matters into their own hands and covered rats in the Plague. Of course, this backfired when it got too big and the upper class died too.
Anyway, back to bugs. Next time you see a bug that seems out of place in your bathroom or kitchen, take some time to wonder: Is this a bio-camera? Food for thought.
Recently, I saw a toy (a child's toy) that operated on brain power. ??? That's what I said. Brain power. Telekinesis. I thought: If the government can do something like this, imagine what else they could do.
Back to the bugs, what if the government can make bio-intelligent computers. Cameras and sound equipment to infiltrate the common American home. In bugs. Now, for an example, let's look at a more socialistic government to see if it's been attempted before. Let's take a look at London. That's right, London. Have you ever heard of the saying, "In London, you're never more than 10 feet away from a rat." Well, what if rats were the first attempts in bio-cameras? Of course, since we're American and everything we do is better (hehe), we used bugs instead of creating an over-infested rat population.
However, in my theory, there are "real" bugs too. But they live outside.
What is so interesting, is that this theory led to my over-analysis of the Black Plague. What if the Black Plague started off as a biological warfare gone awry. The upper class noticed an increase in the lower class and, fearing an uprising, took matters into their own hands and covered rats in the Plague. Of course, this backfired when it got too big and the upper class died too.
Anyway, back to bugs. Next time you see a bug that seems out of place in your bathroom or kitchen, take some time to wonder: Is this a bio-camera? Food for thought.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I'm a little tea-pot.
So, it's late. I can't sleep. I figured I would add a post to the list of my un-read posts. (By the way, I like that nobody reads this blog. It's like hiding in plain sight.) When it gets to late night, oftentimes, men have to pee. I realized that I do certain things when I pee, to pee. For instance, I tend to either put one hand on the wall in front of me, or I rest my head on the cabinet above my toilet. I always picture myself as some sort of tea-pot being tipped over and tea coming forth.
Another thing, I can't pee when I hear my suite-mate's girlfriend talking. Just FYI, I live in a suite and his girlfriend is over frequently and her voice can be easily heard in the bathroom. Just clarifying my lack of creeper-ness. Anyway, I don't know why it is just her. I can pee anywhere at anytime without blinking an eye, but she says one word and the flow stops...
I hope I don't offend sensibilities with this one, but, hey, it's late and all two of my readers probably don't mind.
Another thing, I like to knit. A lot. I am a male. This creates awkward conversation topics as of recently. I don't think it's wrong. Why is knitting reserved for old women and unusually crafty girls? Why can't guys knit? Well, they can. I have read some articles about the increase in male knitters. And not just male knitters that have a preference for other male knitters, if you know what I mean. I mean males that like females (put bluntly), which is strange. I love knitting. I find a strangely independent feeling when I knit. I can purl, stitch, rib, cable, raspberry, and all these other cool things, and I like that about myself. So, to those out there that think it is weird I knit, it is. However, I enjoy it. It makes me very happy to knit. Here's to knitting with balls. (Yarn balls, that is.) THE END.
Another thing, I can't pee when I hear my suite-mate's girlfriend talking. Just FYI, I live in a suite and his girlfriend is over frequently and her voice can be easily heard in the bathroom. Just clarifying my lack of creeper-ness. Anyway, I don't know why it is just her. I can pee anywhere at anytime without blinking an eye, but she says one word and the flow stops...
I hope I don't offend sensibilities with this one, but, hey, it's late and all two of my readers probably don't mind.
Another thing, I like to knit. A lot. I am a male. This creates awkward conversation topics as of recently. I don't think it's wrong. Why is knitting reserved for old women and unusually crafty girls? Why can't guys knit? Well, they can. I have read some articles about the increase in male knitters. And not just male knitters that have a preference for other male knitters, if you know what I mean. I mean males that like females (put bluntly), which is strange. I love knitting. I find a strangely independent feeling when I knit. I can purl, stitch, rib, cable, raspberry, and all these other cool things, and I like that about myself. So, to those out there that think it is weird I knit, it is. However, I enjoy it. It makes me very happy to knit. Here's to knitting with balls. (Yarn balls, that is.) THE END.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Soul Mates
Let me start off by saying that I believe in soul mates, but, however, I am not a "hopeless romantic." Similarly, I also believe in good grammar, but sometimes I don't like to use it. The point is, I don't want a reader to pass over this believing that I'm going to glorify getting married and having kids at 16.
Here's my... theory about soul mates: I think they exist and that they die closely to each other. My parents, grandparents and great-grandparents are all soul mates. I believe that wholeheartedly. However, they are all exceptions to my rule. My great-grandfather died a few years ago but my great-grandma is still working (volunteering) at a thrift store. The reason I believe she is still alive is because she's too stubborn and she loves to work. I love her dearly and she was always very independent.
My grandpa also died, just recently, and my grandma is still alive. At first, I, honestly, didn't hold out hope for her to stick around much longer, but extenuating circumstances, once again. She has a son of over 40 that has lived at home since birth. He will not leave. She believes that nobody will take care of him if she were to pass. At times, she has called my mother in tears asking my mom to take care of him after her death. This is why I believe she hasn't began to "go," so to speak. She feels and obligation past her grief. I think she is a very courageous person for this. I know that she was very close to my grandfather. Close to a point where it was beyond husband and wife, but to a deep friendship. Imagine a friend that you absolutely could not live without, literally, and that was my grandparents. My parents are also very similar.
At times, I believe they could tear each other apart, but nobody else would put up with them. Sometimes, they have the demeanor of angry, starving street cats, but with all that, I know that they are meant for the other. Nobody else could tolerate them. Even they would agree with this.
I also believe that at one point, I found my soul mate. However, for whatever reason, whether it was misplaced destinies or we just didn't have the chance, we are not together. I wish that it could work out but she doesn't think it could. One day, maybe we'll meet at a jazz lounge where I'm a bar-tender and she the singer, but, until then, we are two halves of a whole trying to find our substitute.
Here's my... theory about soul mates: I think they exist and that they die closely to each other. My parents, grandparents and great-grandparents are all soul mates. I believe that wholeheartedly. However, they are all exceptions to my rule. My great-grandfather died a few years ago but my great-grandma is still working (volunteering) at a thrift store. The reason I believe she is still alive is because she's too stubborn and she loves to work. I love her dearly and she was always very independent.
My grandpa also died, just recently, and my grandma is still alive. At first, I, honestly, didn't hold out hope for her to stick around much longer, but extenuating circumstances, once again. She has a son of over 40 that has lived at home since birth. He will not leave. She believes that nobody will take care of him if she were to pass. At times, she has called my mother in tears asking my mom to take care of him after her death. This is why I believe she hasn't began to "go," so to speak. She feels and obligation past her grief. I think she is a very courageous person for this. I know that she was very close to my grandfather. Close to a point where it was beyond husband and wife, but to a deep friendship. Imagine a friend that you absolutely could not live without, literally, and that was my grandparents. My parents are also very similar.
At times, I believe they could tear each other apart, but nobody else would put up with them. Sometimes, they have the demeanor of angry, starving street cats, but with all that, I know that they are meant for the other. Nobody else could tolerate them. Even they would agree with this.
I also believe that at one point, I found my soul mate. However, for whatever reason, whether it was misplaced destinies or we just didn't have the chance, we are not together. I wish that it could work out but she doesn't think it could. One day, maybe we'll meet at a jazz lounge where I'm a bar-tender and she the singer, but, until then, we are two halves of a whole trying to find our substitute.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Cookies
So, I like cookies. There's no mystery there. Everybody does. (Or should.) However, there is something that has and always will bother me about the cookie world. Sugar cookies. They are the con-artists of the cookie world. They bother me greatly.
Here's the deal: Sugar cookies are the only cookie that changes its face for each holiday. Sugar cookies with little pumpkins on them, Christmas trees and hearts for Valentine's Day. This evidence proves that they are the lamest cookie. The "uncool" cookie. The outcast.
Don't get me wrong, they are delicious. As well, they are rather decorative and they leave room for creativity. With sprinkles, icing, and colors, the fun is limitless. However, what is a sugar cookie? Does not every cookie contain sugar? What makes the "sugar" cookie so special as to be the sugar cookie?
Here's what I think. In basic science, one learns that there is no such thing as darkness, just the absence of light. Similarly, there is no such thing as cold, just the absence of heat. In this way I don't believe the "sugar cookie" exists... Bold words. I know.
Since every cookie has sugar, naming this... this... thing the sugar cookie, you are actually saying it is in absence of anything else. It should actually be called the... darkness cookie. Catchy, right?
I actually had someone ask me once if I wanted a lavender sugar cookie. What?! So, after telling them the reasoning I just wrote of, I explained that calling it the lavender (and) sugar cookie is paramount to calling it a dark-light cookie. They, of course, changed the name. What's so weird is that I'm not usually like this. I don't usually care when people call things the wrong thing or mispronounce something, but I can no longer handle the sugar cookie's tyranny of misnomers.
Just remember the next time someone offers you a sugar cookie... You'll know what to do.
Here's the deal: Sugar cookies are the only cookie that changes its face for each holiday. Sugar cookies with little pumpkins on them, Christmas trees and hearts for Valentine's Day. This evidence proves that they are the lamest cookie. The "uncool" cookie. The outcast.
Don't get me wrong, they are delicious. As well, they are rather decorative and they leave room for creativity. With sprinkles, icing, and colors, the fun is limitless. However, what is a sugar cookie? Does not every cookie contain sugar? What makes the "sugar" cookie so special as to be the sugar cookie?
Here's what I think. In basic science, one learns that there is no such thing as darkness, just the absence of light. Similarly, there is no such thing as cold, just the absence of heat. In this way I don't believe the "sugar cookie" exists... Bold words. I know.
Since every cookie has sugar, naming this... this... thing the sugar cookie, you are actually saying it is in absence of anything else. It should actually be called the... darkness cookie. Catchy, right?
I actually had someone ask me once if I wanted a lavender sugar cookie. What?! So, after telling them the reasoning I just wrote of, I explained that calling it the lavender (and) sugar cookie is paramount to calling it a dark-light cookie. They, of course, changed the name. What's so weird is that I'm not usually like this. I don't usually care when people call things the wrong thing or mispronounce something, but I can no longer handle the sugar cookie's tyranny of misnomers.
Just remember the next time someone offers you a sugar cookie... You'll know what to do.
Am I behind?
Just recently I noticed that a lot of my friends from high school and a few in college are getting married. Why? I don't know. But it's no longer just the couple that accidentally had a baby and got married because of it. It's also people that believe they have found their "soul mate" or eternal love. I'm not doubting that they are truly in love, I'm just wondering if I'm behind or something. I'm 19... and I thought that was young. It IS. But my friends older and younger are settling down into families and what-not. Too soon.
I have plans in life. I want to act, teach, travel, and then settle down to a family. Maybe I'm the crazy one. However, we have so much time on this Earth that can be spent making a family. (There's quite a bit.) But how much time do we have to experience the world around us? Sample food from Italy, view art at the Louvre, or feed a child in Darfur.
If you're reading this and you're married and feeling slightly (or greatly) offended, don't. If you've found the person to live with forever, more power to you. I guess I'm just trying to justify to myself that I'll be able to find love and a family before I'm too old to.
I have plans in life. I want to act, teach, travel, and then settle down to a family. Maybe I'm the crazy one. However, we have so much time on this Earth that can be spent making a family. (There's quite a bit.) But how much time do we have to experience the world around us? Sample food from Italy, view art at the Louvre, or feed a child in Darfur.
If you're reading this and you're married and feeling slightly (or greatly) offended, don't. If you've found the person to live with forever, more power to you. I guess I'm just trying to justify to myself that I'll be able to find love and a family before I'm too old to.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Should Sidwell Friends School be the example?
The president is, essentially, the example citizen. He is supposed to have the perfect family and children and everything he does sets the bar for the rest of the country. When another country looks at "the" American, they look to the president. (This is part of the decision process that goes into voting for me.) Is this how it should be? Probably not. It is unfair. That is a large burden for one person. But it is so.
Even how he handles his children is under scrutiny. Or, in this case, where he puts them in school?
Recently, a school in D.C., where Obama's children attend, came under more pressure than usual for protesting protesters that came to the school. Anti-Obama and anti-gay protesters showed up at the school to apparently "influence" the young minds attending the school. However, the children then protested with their thoughts and ideal on posters.
The news here is not necessarily the the posters the kids put up, but the publicity the school has of late. The school administrator was recently on GQ's 50 most influential people in D.C. list. The administration all the way down to the lunch menu is publicized. With this recent publicity and Obama's recent declaration of change on America's school systems, is this becoming the "model" school?
This isn't really a thesis or an argument, just a thought. Obama could ideally take one school and form it to his idea of perfection and America could take the results of the education there as an example and decide whether or not to apply it to the entire country. Once again, just a thought.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/11/AR2009111126806.html?g=0
Even how he handles his children is under scrutiny. Or, in this case, where he puts them in school?
Recently, a school in D.C., where Obama's children attend, came under more pressure than usual for protesting protesters that came to the school. Anti-Obama and anti-gay protesters showed up at the school to apparently "influence" the young minds attending the school. However, the children then protested with their thoughts and ideal on posters.
The news here is not necessarily the the posters the kids put up, but the publicity the school has of late. The school administrator was recently on GQ's 50 most influential people in D.C. list. The administration all the way down to the lunch menu is publicized. With this recent publicity and Obama's recent declaration of change on America's school systems, is this becoming the "model" school?
This isn't really a thesis or an argument, just a thought. Obama could ideally take one school and form it to his idea of perfection and America could take the results of the education there as an example and decide whether or not to apply it to the entire country. Once again, just a thought.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/11/AR2009111126806.html?g=0
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