Life Is Not Fair

The title kind of says it all but I'm going to spell it out for the people with the silver spoons sticking out of their mouth. Do you know what's not fair? A man who works his entire life to provide for his family and lives paycheck to paycheck while the rich man does nothing and will always be well-to-do. That's not fair. A child has to walk three miles barefoot in a war-torn, poverty-stricken nation to get a basketful of dirty water for him and his four brothers. That's not fair. Life just isn't effing fair and it's pissing me the hell off...

On to my personal life. I work hard on my skill as an actor. I take all the classes and go for all the auditions. Someone comes in that couldn't give a rat's rear-end for acting or the program and is dumber than George Bush, and he gets cast. That's not fair.

I'm loyal. I don't cheat. I'm romantic. I'm pretty good looking. I'm cultured and have good manners. Then, some dickhead comes along and rips a girl's heart out, and then I get her. That's my last few relationships. "Leftovers," I like to call them. They never trust you. Ever. You could be Prince effing Harry, but she won't trust you because of the last douche that wrecked her life.

Dear Douches of the World,

Thank you for ruining girls for the rest of the gd-world.

FU,

Jay

I'm a good guy. I know I am. Maybe too much of a good guy. I get it!!! Wait a second! Girls want these guys! They want bad boys! Why?! HellifIknow! Because they're dumb... They like the feeling of adventure... They like being treated like dirt... Who the hell knows? I give up. They're all nuts.

Dear Women of the World,

You are dumb.

Apologies,

Jay

And you know what else? My father verbally treats me like dirt and slime for most of my life and my mother sits back and lets him. He says he wants a divorce, then the next day, he changes his mind and apologizes. Well, guess what. It's too late. Maybe not for my mother, but sure as hell for me. She decides they can work it out. Well, great. But they both forget that damage was done. The die have been cast. It's too late! I'm done...

PS I long for the day when I emotionally flatline. Then I'll be rich and get all the girls.

Signing off.

Here's what I've been thinking...

I'm kinda wondering where to go in life, as I have wondered since the inception of creative thought. But I've realized it's not what I thought. Since my last post, I "ditched the bitch" in my life and now I'm single. I'm happy. So friggin' happy now! I can't even tell you. It feels good to finally be myself instead of trying to be someone else.

LIFE CREEDO: I will never again change myself for anyone or anything.

In celebration of my newfound life motto, I'm doing something for my 21st birthday that is completely and utterly for me. I'm getting a big tattoo. A big one. It will be on my arm. I've been working on this design for 3 years now and I can't wait to see it on me. Anyway, I was putting off getting it because I was worried what people would think. My recent freedom has caused me to finally wish to be who I am. And guess who I am? I'm a proud owner of a tattoo. Yet. I will be.

I think that for the longest time, I was unhappy because I was trying to be a cookie cutter. A mold of the person I wanted to be instead of was. And it wasn't that I wanted to be that person, but I thought I did. It was such a deep rooted craziness and need to please people. So, I'm officially signing off the crazy-train and setting sail to brighter seas. I will be a force of free-thinking in this small state of Arkansas. I am indeed alone in many of my beliefs here, but I think there are ears here that need to listen. Sometimes, we just have to make due with where we have been placed. I believe it is not mere chance that placed me in po-dunk Arkansas. I do want to move somewhere one day where there'll be people like me, but for now, I have been cast in this play.

Anyway, I'm done for now.

PS Thank you to all the people that asked about me while I was gone. I love you all.

General Ranting

I'm starting to wonder what happened to the modern church. Where did it start becoming such an awful thing? I'll tell you a few things that I'm sick of: "Cliche" churches. You know the type of church that has all the same people in it and they do nothing to radicalize the world. The church that would rather travel to Africa to preach and ignore and/or degrade the girl wearing black. You know it.

Anyway, I'm back at college and I need a new church. Simply, it's unpractical to try and make it back to my old church as good as they are. I wonder if anyone realizes that we are ALL sinners? Did the modern church forget this? I think so. Because when a leader is found to be in sin (just like a human), they are outcasted by their church by people they thought loved them. Does that make any sense? You know Jesus was the only perfect person. Don't insult me by pretending you're perfect.

When it comes to picking a church, I want a church that isn't AS bad. I realize that no church is perfect. But Jesus tells us that fellowship is good, so I listen. But I want a church that has action. I want a front-lines kind of church. I want the kind of church that doesn't hide behind the "will" of Christ with their inactive, born-again lazy Christianity.

Eh, I don't know what I'm saying... I should sleep instead of blog. More on this is a book called "Starving Jesus." Best read for this subject. Oh, and watching the movie "Saved!" will give a large interpretation of the people I'm talking about. The character, Hilary Faye, is a big interpretation. Well, goodnight.

Life Since March

Ok, here's the deal. I have been away. (In case you didn't notice.) Since being away, I have been to Ireland, Austin, and Colorado, as well as being a camp counselor for young kids at a camp with little internet. It has been a ride! I have had so much fun this summer. However, I miss writing out what's on my mind, so here I am. I missed you all. Here goes:

In the early parts of the summer, I went to staff training for this camp I work at. It is a Christian kid's camp. Over the past years, I have noticed a decline in my own spirituality. I mean, there was no doubt that I was a Christian. I loved God and occasionally went to church, but there's hot and cold spots in every relationship. Part of me was also angry. Angry at the hard truth of the Gospel. I tried to cover that dying relationship with keeping so "friggin'" busy with life. Even on this very blog, I would just lament about everything. This was my therapist.

Well, anywho, I began to see the decline, so I said, "God, I know that I'm here at this camp for a reason. Let me be an inspiration to these kids and see where you want me in my future. Have it all." I began to grow in my relationship with Christ and see where he wants my life to go. I'm no longer worried about it. I know He has it in control. The thing that made me worry so much about my girlfriend-relationships and my career path after school was that I was trying to do it alone, but when I gave it ALL. He took it ALL. I know God is real because of the work He has done on my heart. I have started to realize that my relationship with Christ is all that matters. This wasn't exactly a "quick" revelation, but I am working on it.

Since my last post, I have also started to date a wonderful woman of God. She challenges me to be a better Godly man and I appreciate her for that. We are trying to build our relationship on God so it lasts.

The point of me writing this is to direct my blog in a new direction. I am going to leave the past blogs up, but I want it to represent my life and what's happening in it. The past is still there, but I'm going in a new direction. Now, this blog won't be a "Christian" blog, but it will be about my life, in which I happen to be a Christian. This is to say if I say something non-Christian-y, I won't be hammered... I'll still call people douches and what-not, I'll just do it with love. :D

My biggest prayer/concern is going from who I was into who I am. For instance, going from old Jay to new Jay at college. At face value, I'm not a good Christian, but I know that I'm forgiven. I hope people see the change as for the good.

What truck?

Today, I was scanning Facebook. I was looking down my home feed and I see a profile picture, not of the person, but of their truck. First of all, I'll go with a bold statement and say that if you have a picture of yourself without a shirt or a picture of your customized car/truck on your Facebook profile picture, you're a douche...

Anyway, I see this picture and it's not an average truck. It has these rims and it's lowered with a custom paint job. I don't understand this. Well, I can understand customizing a car with all these... "trinkets." However, I can not understand the need to do this to a truck. This takes away the very idea and durability of a truck. The purpose of a truck is to haul and do heavy duty things like work on a farm. Not to be a "redneck gangsta." People from my hometown are the worst. They think they're from A-town or H-town or L.A. and they're "gangster." Message to those: You are not. Get it through you're head. You were raised in suburbia.

Basically, my theory is that they're trying to socially connect to a culture they admire by customizing the "admirable" culture and making it their own. Similarly, the religion of Islam forming to the culture it inhabits. Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. Goodbye.

Civilized? Yeah, right.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -Aristotle

"They construct ransom letters from biblical passages..." -Flobots

In essence, this post is a sequel to yesterday's entry. Except, instead of satirically proposing we kill the weak, I actually want to rant a bit. Today, I was able to catch the first hour of The Lost Boys of Sudan and it really made me to see how these boys have grown up to come to America in search of help for their country and they are soon "suckered" into American culture. Currently, there is civil unrest in Africa. Peace treatises are attempting to gain ground, but death still continues. In five short years of war, 300,000 people have been killed. Those numbers include women and children. The Sudanese civil war may have had a "peace" treaty, but there is still problems.

Let me say one thing; I'm not a liberal, tree-hugging, sushi-eating person, or anything like that. But I am a humanitarian. I don't propose that the U.S. step up in every conflict that the world has, because we would never get anything done here. However, I am upset that millions have died in Africa, and we go a couple months of higher gas prices and we invade oil-bearing countries. We claim to justify ourselves under the guise of "homeland security" when all we really want is cheap gas, cheap labor, and cheap cheap cheap.

All I'm trying to say is what if we unconditionally loved for a day? A week? A month? A year? You might say, "Well, America could do that, but our enemies wouldn't and we can't take a break for our own safety..."

"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind." -Mahatma Ghandi

So, can America (the "perfect" society) reach beyond their borders and love? In fact, can they even reach across the street?

You know what I hate? The term "holy war." In Islam, it's called jihad. In Christianity (oh yes, Christians have it too), it's called crusades. It basically gives the right to kill simply because one people don't believe as another. I'm not completely familiar with the teachings of Muhammad, but I have read a little bit. (I believe in knowing about things outside of ourselves.) I know that he taught peace and love just as Jesus did. Over time, we have bastardized the holy writings of our ancestors and conformed it to our own beliefs. "Holy war" is a conundrum in itself, for darkness cannot exist in light and bad cannot exist in good. Jesus went to the people, down to where there were, not to "raise" them up to a higher level of piety, but to give them mercy and love. Jesus taught against piousness. I'm not sure if the modern Christian church got this memo. I love it when the church does trips to a foreign land carrying, not the mercy and love of Christ, but the piety and culture of Christianity. I mean to say that some missionaries (definitely not all, I love them dearly) don't go in with a Christ-like mindset. They basically want to integrate them into American society, rather than just teach Christ. It's very similar to the globalization by the Spaniards and British from the 14th Century to as late as the !9th Century. They came in and forced integration and "civilized" society on these Aztecs and Native Americans and nearly wiped out an entire race. Thanks, White People. Culture is a vital part of the world. Every piece makes up a mosaic of beauty.

Well, I'm done ranting. For now. I now this makes little sense, but I hope you see what I'm saying as a whole. Look at the big picture. Look at the canvas of words I'm trying to paint for you. It may be a bit expressionistic, but I hope you see my message.

Sanctity of Life: Relative?

The other day I was watching a squirrel and wondering if he knew who I was. He's just a squirrel. He doesn't care who I am, honestly. He cares if I were another animal trying hurt him; or does he? Maybe it's just about self-preservation built into our genetic code...

Let me start off this post with making it known that I don't condone murder/maiming/violence.

Well, I continued to walk and think. Think and walk. What I came up with is this: What if the concept of human attitude mixed with self-preservation has caused us to mess with the natural flow of life. Our common (and not to mention, modern) concept of life is that humans shall be preserved and animals are to be genetically modified through preventative reproduction. I guarantee you that if we didn't have the modern concept of "murder" that our society would probably be more genetically advanced. That it to say, animals are not connected to eachother as much as humans are. It is said that an advanced society is higher that "preventative reproduction," but as Jonathan Swift pointed out in "A Modest Proposal," the weakest of any generation can be used for better uses.

On a genetic, instinctive level, humans are animals. We have the same needs as animals. We need food and we need ways to get food. Our bodies are made for a hunting/gathering purpose, rather than a quick drive-thru run. We have natural instincts that are put inside of us. Now the bigger question is such: Are we completely repressed in our instincts, or are we simply waiting for the day those instincts take control?

What is a bigger mind-blower is that I don't think we have completely repressed those instincts. How else do you explain war? I mean, in our "advanced" society, don't you think we would be above war for something as unnecessary to survival as... oil? Diamonds? Or even genocide? Who's to say that we are naturally predisposed to mass genocide?

Let me finish up by saying that I do treasure human life (even the "special" ones), and I do not advise participation in genocide. Thank you.

Call me Dreamweaver.

I'm rather nervous about the events that have been unfolding. Not in my own life, but in my dream world. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Just to give a little background on my dreams: I don't have them. I had maybe two dreams a year before about a year ago. I don't know what's going on, but it's weird. Last night is the reason I decided to write this entry.

So, to get a background, I'll let you know some of the dreams up to this point. The other night, I had a dream I was in an old boxing gym, like in the Rocky movies. Suddenly John Candy is sitting beside me smoking a cigar. The funny thing is: I know I'm dreaming and he knows he's dead. We start talking about acting and watching this boxing workout match. Suddenly, I know what he's there for: he's meant to give me advice. I start asking him questions on life and love and happiness, and he, surprisingly, gives me good answers.

Anyway, last night, I dreamed I was in bed and I look out the window and I see a beautiful day, then a giant storm cloud comes in slowly and almost sucks the daylight out. It's raining now and all I can see is this dark cloud. I try to tell people to move for the storm and I'm speaking Japanese. After a bit of speaking Japanese, I get drafted into the Peace Corps and sent to Japan to work in a hospital. All these people I'm working with have been working there for years and I have no idea what's going on. I turn a corner and I'm in Africa, and there's all these people bleeding and dying, missing limbs. I jump into action and I just start putting limbs back on people and stopping their pain. In one big jump, I'm on the quad at HSU and the storm from earlier is still there coming at me and no one notices it. Once again, I'm yelling in Japanese. I go to the Peace Corps office and they tell me that I'm AWOL and try to arrest me, but I explain that I have to finish college before going into the Peace Corps...

Then I wake up.

This is just a sample of the dreams I have been experiencing. The shocking part, these aren't even the worst. I don't know what to expect tonight. Or the next night.

Mars or Scotland?

I'm very tired. Not physically tired, but emotionally tired. Lately, it feels like my life is a roller coaster. It seems like every relationship that I've had recently is just trying to crumble. I try to foster a relationship with someone and it falls apart.

Somehow, I mess it up. Badly. I wish that I was somehow like Dr. Manhattan. I could just teleport to Mars whenever I feel like I need a quiet vacation. I'm not good with people. Really. Sometimes, I seem like the master with a huge ego, but, really, I'm not either one. I know this is the more depressing of my entries, but I need this.

I was thinking about getting out. When I say "out," I don't know where. But I need out. I'm talking like either out-of-state, or even out-of-country. I now realize why I left the country every Spring; I needed a break from people.

I also wish I was like every other male and could just use people and shrug it off. As much as I need a break from people, I find that I can't survive without frequent human contact. It's a catch-22, if you will. If I were like every other male, I could just use women for a bit, then jump to another. But I wouldn't be able to do that. I would feel like a cheap, dirty person.

Well, here goes the giant catch-22 that is my life. But I need a vacation... Maybe Scotland...

WTF Supreme Court?!

I just found out about a recent Supreme Court decision that upset me very much. Basically, what happened is the Supreme Court repealed the decision to hinder large corporations from paying money into politics.

For those who support the upheaval, they say that the 1st Amendment was upheld. It's the company's right to support whoever they want.

For those like me who disagree with this decision, I believe that this rapes the purity of politics. Granted, politics isn't an innocent school girl, but it's not damned as it is now. Basically, corporations will be able to buy candidates and their votes. Let me say this however, in its purest form, corporations will have no say in what they do. Let's be honest, if someone gave me $1,000,000, I would get a body wax and tattoo my body in their name... So, the question this proposes is this: Will this further demoralize this already depleted political system?

My answer: Yes.

"Beeeeee Yourself!"

Let me start with this: I watch Scrubs. Actually, that's an understatement. I love, love Scrubs. I have all eight seasons on DVD. One of the many reasons I like it (and there are a few), is the fact that J.D. and I are so close in personality. One way that we are the most alike is our self-destructive way. Everytime J.D., or I, is in a relationship, we begin to tear at it and try to find something wrong.

For instance, everytime J.D. would get together with Elliot, he would continually find something wrong with her, and then they'd break up and he'd idolize her again. Well, just yesterday, I was actually thinking to myself, "There's no way this could work. I'm not cool enough. I'm not pretty enough. Something must be wrong with her if she likes me..." Stuff like that. I told my awesome roommate what was going through my head and he just kept telling me I was being ridiculous. That's when I remembered my similarity to J.D. and I'm not going to let it get me this time.

If something is obviously wrong, then I'll address it, but I won't destroy myself. Nor will I let myself fail or feel insecure. I'll just be myself. In the words of Genie from Aladdin, "Beeeeeee yourself!"

The Begin of the Search for the Window

Here I am, once again...

Today, a major door closed in my life. A door that I thought would never close. Well, it closed, but that was the problem. It closed. Then opened. Repeat. I got tired of it. I felt used, like I wasn't important at all. Finally, I just resigned myself to mis-matched destinies and said goodbye. If this... "door" was so interested in me, why did it see other "doors?"

Well, life goes on. I have to get over it. It's done. Long day, and I'm tired. I'll be fine, because I have a window. That window is there if the door is ever closed. Sometimes, people are so focused on the door being closed that they miss out on the window. Well, not me. I'm going for the window, whatever it may be...

PS I tried to be obscure.

I've been thinking a lot about it, and I want a posse. A posse is a group of people fulfilling different roles and responsibilities. For instance, I want a personal assistant. Just today, I forgot that I have a paper due Friday. I haven't started and I still have reading and analyzing to do tomorrow.

I also want a stalker. Not really a "stalker" in the classic sense of the word, but more like a person that is my biggest fan.

I would also like a lifecoach. I'll go to them and say, "Boy. I wish I knew what to do in this situation." And they would say, "I have an answer!" And I would pay them.

After them, I would get a cholo. A cholo is a Mexican gangster. Frankly, this guy isn't necessary, but he'll make the whole group a little more awesome.

Then to bring an aesthetic to my posse, I would hire a personal designer to dress me. He can also function as the scent guy; giving me a new awesome scent every hour.

Oh, and a dietitian and trainer. Maybe a voice coach...

You know what, let me just get a wife...

PS This is satirical.

The End

General Rants and Raves

There I was driving, and I get cut off. What the hell? I hate getting cut off because I have what they call "road rage." Arkansas people do not, I repeat, do not know how to drive. At all. They don't understand the "zipper" either. It's when you're merging, one car lets one car in. Then someone that doesn't understand will just come right in... I'm not the traffic Jesus. I don't just give love. And the fast lane is made for people going fast. Making sense?

Speaking of road rage... everyone has road rage. If they say they don't, they're lying. Driving turns the sweetest person in the world into a maniac. It's true. Don't debate it.

Speaking of stupid... The other day, an 8-year-old is stopped by TSA and patted down because his name is the same as a suspected terrorist. What's even worse is that he was first patted down at the age of two. This family went to the Bahamas and almost wasn't let back in the country because of their son's name. And it's not like Mohammad or Habib or something foreign and terroristy. It's Mike Higgins or something like that. Another thing, I'm tired of all this "Let's stop terrorists without being racist." Hell with that. 80-year-old women don't need patting down. I mean, I'm not expert but I'd pick the guy that's Arabic. That's what Norway does. Why not America? We're just as awesome.

Another thing I want to rant on: The Big Mac Wrap. What is that? It's some BS attempt to make people feel better about eating something that will give them fatness. It's not the bun that will make you large, nor anything else on it. It's eating more and more of them. At least the bun will make you full. So, you'll eat more in the end. The commercials show you that cool, muscled guy eating the wrap. Guys don't eat wraps! What?! No...

Coke and Pepsi. Pepsi and Coke. Not interchangeable.

"What would you like to drink?"

"Coke."

"Pepsi ok?"

"...I guess. Foreign money ok?"

Nobody likes Pepsi. It's a common fact! They taste completely different. That's like not having blood for a blood transfusion, and they say, "Will Pepsi be ok?" No, it will not be ok...

Since I'm on a roll and I haven't posted in a bit... Old guys making action movies is getting... old. Russel Crowe(not that I'm complaining), Dennis Quaid, Mel Gipson(I am complaining), John Travolta, and Tom Cruise. They're all making these movies that they made when they were like mid-20s. It's kind of embarrassing. Give it up. It's sad.

Speaking of movies... As a theater major, I have seen, read, analyzed plays. Quite a few of them and I've realized more and more that movies suck. Comedy, for instance, is so downgraded that, they just show boobies and show guys doing stuff drunk. Slap-stick is making a comeback. "Let's hit somebody and watch a fat guy fall! Hahaha..." Dance movies are the worst. They're either about a couple getting together when one of them is rich and the other is poor, or about someone moving to a new place, not fitting in until he, or she, starts a dance team and wins a competition.

One last thing. I'm tire of different sports being confused with other types, so I've come up with three divisions. (The very fact that I've analyzed this means I don't play. hehe)

1) Competition Sports: Like football and soccer, etc. To play, you have to have another team or person to play.

2) Exhibition Sports: You show off skills and judges watch you. Cheerleading, dance, BMX, etc.

3) Hunting: Actually, I'm joking. This isn't a sport. It's like the Cowboys playing a 3rd grade flag-football team that don't realize they're playing. They're on "recess" picking flowers when WHAM, the Cowboys tackle them and make a touchdown. I could, maybe, understand if you tracked the deer, but hunters sit in an elevated stand, cover themselves in "Sexy Deer Cologne" and put deer food out. This deer thinks there's a buffet with a hot waitress, and he gets a bullet to the face. I think I could consider this a sport if the hunter was in a loin cloth with a bowie knife tracking down the deer. But they're invisible! All camouflaged out! Woo-hoo. You pulled a trigger. Wanna trophy? Yay, you can do what Christopher Reeves could do.

Boston Tea Party, 2009

I was thinking the other day and I thought what would happen if the Boston Tea Party happened today. Honestly. How hilarious. There would be this giant investigation, the president would be blamed for not protecting homeland security, and the EPA would have a fit.

Just picture it; They would fingerprint the tea barrels, the Tea companies would sue the "dumpers" of tea, and the ACLU would try to make it a racial issue. The tea "dumpers" are making a statement of the oppression of the white majority on the other folks. The tea "dumpers" would be sued by the PTA of America saying, "They shouldn't set such an example for our children."

There really is no point to this, I just thought it was funny. If you want one... Ok, I'll give you one. What happened to our revolutionary spirit?! When did we become mundane and overly sued? For instance, people are pissed off because doctors make too much. Excuse me, I want doctors to make amazing money! By them making more, they love their job and want to be better. When I get old and my parts start to go bad and things are falling down or sagging, I want a guy that loves his job and is able to pay off the $600,000 of school debt. Anywhoo... That's it. Short soapbox, I know.

My Own Rain, And I Other Things I Hate

I was lying in bed, about to fall asleep when I realized I needed to write some things down before I went to sleep. I decided to write about a few of my... pet peeves.

1) Brail on drive-thru ATMs.

2) Text lingo. i.e. OMG BFF LMFAO WHATEV If I ever use these, I'm being sarcastic.

3) Tools. Not the metal kind, but the over-gelled, over-tanned ones.

4) Big trucks without mud on it. Scratch that. Big trucks. Period. I mean lift-kit and "muddin'" tires.

4.5) This goes with #4: People that wear camouflage when not hunting.

5) Anyone that will argue politics. Both sides. I'm not prejudice towards one side or the other. I'm equally irritated by both.

6) I've noticed that when you sneeze straight up in the air, it will slowly fall back on you like your own personal rain. I hate that. As you sit in your own storm, you slowly think about what is truly caressing your face. Snot and saliva. Shot at 200 mph at the ceiling. It fails to reach its destination and falls back on your face. Mmm...

7)Fast and slow drivers.

Well, this is it for today, but I think this one is so good, it deserves a Part Deux.

The Wiz

Alright, so this entry may be a little quick but try to keep up. I know you can.

The other day (today), I was lamenting about the fact all my friends seem to be moving on with their lives. They're living it. Growing up, facing the world, etc etc. I sometimes don't even want to talk to these people because it's almost as if they're flaunting the fact that they have moved on to bigger things.

However, I am a man of reason with reasonable thoughts. (Sometimes.) So, I directed my over-analytical thought processes at myself and here's what I got: I'm the Scarecrow of The Wizard of OZ.

In the movie, The Wizard of Oz, (and I'm not going to give a synopsis) the Scarecrow wants a brain to have deeper thoughts. The cool part about this is, the fact he wants a deeper thought and realizes that deeper thoughts are a possibility is a deeper thought. He asks Dorothy to help him down and then tells her how to get him down, therefore, deeper thoughts are already happening.

The same goes for the Tinman. He feels the need to feel. Therefore, he has feeling and emotion. In fact, when they meet the Lion, he is full of emotion in shaking with fear.

My very quick and well-thought-out point is this: Maybe I am moving forward as well. Maybe I'm not so immobile. I mean, I'm in college. I have a major. I know that I want to help people. What else do I need at this point?

New Year's Resolution

For my first post of the new year, I've decided that this post will be on my resolutions for the upcoming year. Until recently, I wasn't going to have any. I think that they're cliche and so overly done that they aren't followed because people pile on too much. As of today, my gym experience will be nightmarish with all of the out-of-shape folks trying to do too much and crowding the gym. But I don't worry because they'll be gone by February.

Well, I don't need to go on a diet, because I'm already on one, and I don't need to get fit, because I am. I don't need to quit coffee, because... I'm not going to. Anyway, I have decided upon a couple of resolutions, and, after much thought, I realized how much they are related.

1.) I resolve to stop buying DVDs from the five-dollar bin at Wal-Mart. It is an... addiction. Now, I don't plan on cold turkey, but I want to be more responsible with my money. I am 20.

2.) I resolve not to worry about my future/destiny.

I'm sure you understand number one, but let me explain number 2 and how it's related. You see, I like, no love, movies. It takes you to a place where things are much simpler, or to a place that is more complicated. Either way, you feel relieved to watch them. I think that movies are predictable. They all are. Even the ones that people claim, "You'll never guess who did what!" They just are to me. However, don't get me wrong. I love this about them. They are a control group in my experiment called life.

Oftentimes, I wish my life was scripted. It has a plot. It has a protagonist, and the protagonist has opposing forces. There are arcs of conflict and, finally, a resolution. Guess what? After the resolution, after the one solitary problem of that character's life is done, it's over. No more conflict. No more. Human life is an unscripted play. The worst play ever devised, I might add, but a play. It has all these mini-plots inside of the big plot and the big plot doesn't even makes sense.

Alright, here's what I'm trying to say: I don't know what to do with my life. I remember looking at college kids that were my age now as a high-schooler and thinking, "Wow, they have it all together." Why don't I have it together? So many of my friends know what they want. They are already married, engaged, and even having children.

I want kids one day. However, I'm not even close to becoming stable enough for a relationship, let alone kids. But I also don't want to be 30 before I begin to have them. It seems as if I don't act now, I may miss out. For those that know me, you know that my love-life is anything but stable. In fact, it's a mess. That part of my life is filled with regret and angst. There's nothing I can do about it now though. It's one of those things that bother me constantly. "Could this girl be it?" "Could she be the one I marry?" I need to quit before it eats me up on the inside. Girls are also very complicated. I wish that they would just tell you what they want. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I know this may sound funny, but my love-life most closely resembles that of J.D. from Scrubs. Except, my experiences aren't as funny.

So, here I sit. 3:30 on New Year's Day. Alone. Single. Inexperienced. And I have no idea where to go from here. But, hey, I'm not going to worry about it. Plus, I'll have a few extra dollars in my pocket from not buying DVDs.