For those of you that don't know, I've had a pretty severe cold for the past week. It's been rough. I've gone through medicine after medicine and I'm still not better. It's ok. I'll get through.
With all these medicines, there are... side effects. Some make you sleep, some keep you awake, some throw you into a half-tired, half-caffeinated state. I took all three last night. Bad idea, I know, but you're missing the point of the story... Anyway, I finally fell into dream land and just as quickly I pop up in a speeding car.
I'm being chased by the cops in a high-speed pursuit in what looks to be some kind of city at night in Chinatown. The only thing that makes me know it's a dream is that Angelina Jolie is driving. I know, I know. You're interested. Just hold on. The only thing is I'm not myself. I'm... I'm... Bob. Bob Sagget. America's Funniest Home Videos and Full House, Bob.
Anyway, we, myself (Bob Sagget) and Angelina Jolie, pull into a gas station and she give me a pair of scissors and tells me to run. So, I run. I mean, you're supposed to listen to Angelina when she tells you to do something. I run into the gas station and look to see what happened to Angelina. (Of course.) I don't see her, but I see Bruce Willis jump out of a police car and start running after me.
Now, let me clarify something. It wasn't awesome, Die Hard Bruce. It was crazy, 12 Monkeys Bruce. For those that don't know of the 12 Monkeys, it's a bizarre, futuristic action movie where Bruce is sent to the past to save the future and he's homeless and crazy and he rants. The whole time, you don't know if he's telling the truth or just crazy.
Well, back to the story. I run to the back of the this gas station and there's a massive factory-like area in the back. I start up a ladder and Bruce is just laughing hysterically and running after me in just a trench-coat, jeans, and fingerless gloves. I'm halfway up and he grabs my ankle and, for some reason, I throw my scissors at him. It doesn't stick him, it just bounces off him and he gets my only weapon. I go through an opening at the top of the roof and I'm on top of a skyscraper (somehow). So, I run to the edge and Bruce Willis busts through the hatch with the scissors and runs over to me with a crazed-killing look on his face. He grabs me by the shirt, lifts me up over the edge, raises the scissors high in the air and cuts of my tie. He puts me down, we shake hands and he flies away. Exeunt Bruce
Jay wakes up.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Dating Tips
I know what you're probably thinking: "Why is a single, 20-year-old going to give out dating advice?" Well, frankly, I don't know. However, sometimes I believe that those that give advice are often less likely to follow their own wisdom. It's true. Look at doctors. "Don't smoke. Excuse me, my nicotine stick is making my mouth water..."
Before we begin, I must let you know that some inspiration was taken from a song by That Handsome Devil called "Dating Tips." I don't recommend everything in that song, but that's why I'm writing my own bit and not just spitting out song lyrics. Anyway, digression...
GUYS:
Well, first let's start with the fellas. Fellas?! Can I get a hey-OH?! Well, fine... Hey-ohs are out, I guess. Digression! My first point, don't get off-topic. It's just aggravating.
Alright, real first point: Confidence. This is it. The key. Magical, I know.
With the first topic, I must also clarify that I don't begin to understand the complexities of the female mind. It's better left as unexplored territory.
I often see these horrifyingly, fugly fellas dating bombshells. What is up with that? After mucho scientific research, including animal testing, I've realized it's not looks, it's something inside. They're confident. They may not be awesome, but they believe they are. However, there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is belief you are awesome and arrogance is belief that you are more awesome than others. You see the arrogant ones. They are also referred to as "tools." Over-gelled, Backstreet Boys with self-tanner. Tools.
Another big one: "Girls have, will always have, the upper hand." Know this. Learn this. Understand this. You may think you know what's going on, but you don't. They are far more clever. You're dating relationship is a life chess set. And you're playing Bobby Fisher. They may even say they don't know, but they do. You must understand the enemy before you battle them. (Just kidding about "battle." Knives on the first date are a red-flag.)
Something you should also take into account, don't replace confidence with "liquid courage." It's slightly insulting to a female to be hit on by a drunk.
Honestly, what do you have to lose, you're already single? What's the worst that could happen? More singleness? Now, on to females. Don't worry guys. I'll be back later. With part deaux.
FEMALES:
Hiya. Going into this, I'm going to say that I only guess at "girl code." I don't actually know the code, but if I'm wrong, let me know and I'll ratify it in part deaux.
First, and foremost, play hard to get. Good things never come quickly.
A subtext of this rule is: Don't talk about old boyfriends. Male are, for some reason, slightly territorial. They have what is called, a "Columbus Complex." Other people may have been there, but we still wanna say we discovered it.
Also, don't talk about plans for the future. Guys don't plan and we really don't like to talk about a family with a girl we are just starting to date. Even if we want kids, we won't let you know that for a while.
And to let you know a little secret, all men are sexist. We may appreciate women and agree with equal pay and what-not, but we still want to be dominate. It's so weird, I know.
To let ALL know before I go, there are exceptions to every rule and there are no perfect situations. It's just a river. Get into the flow and follow it. Be confident and jump in. You'll know what to do. And if you have any more problems, consult with me on Facebook and it may get seen in Part Deaux.
Before we begin, I must let you know that some inspiration was taken from a song by That Handsome Devil called "Dating Tips." I don't recommend everything in that song, but that's why I'm writing my own bit and not just spitting out song lyrics. Anyway, digression...
GUYS:
Well, first let's start with the fellas. Fellas?! Can I get a hey-OH?! Well, fine... Hey-ohs are out, I guess. Digression! My first point, don't get off-topic. It's just aggravating.
Alright, real first point: Confidence. This is it. The key. Magical, I know.
With the first topic, I must also clarify that I don't begin to understand the complexities of the female mind. It's better left as unexplored territory.
I often see these horrifyingly, fugly fellas dating bombshells. What is up with that? After mucho scientific research, including animal testing, I've realized it's not looks, it's something inside. They're confident. They may not be awesome, but they believe they are. However, there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is belief you are awesome and arrogance is belief that you are more awesome than others. You see the arrogant ones. They are also referred to as "tools." Over-gelled, Backstreet Boys with self-tanner. Tools.
Another big one: "Girls have, will always have, the upper hand." Know this. Learn this. Understand this. You may think you know what's going on, but you don't. They are far more clever. You're dating relationship is a life chess set. And you're playing Bobby Fisher. They may even say they don't know, but they do. You must understand the enemy before you battle them. (Just kidding about "battle." Knives on the first date are a red-flag.)
Something you should also take into account, don't replace confidence with "liquid courage." It's slightly insulting to a female to be hit on by a drunk.
Honestly, what do you have to lose, you're already single? What's the worst that could happen? More singleness? Now, on to females. Don't worry guys. I'll be back later. With part deaux.
FEMALES:
Hiya. Going into this, I'm going to say that I only guess at "girl code." I don't actually know the code, but if I'm wrong, let me know and I'll ratify it in part deaux.
First, and foremost, play hard to get. Good things never come quickly.
A subtext of this rule is: Don't talk about old boyfriends. Male are, for some reason, slightly territorial. They have what is called, a "Columbus Complex." Other people may have been there, but we still wanna say we discovered it.
Also, don't talk about plans for the future. Guys don't plan and we really don't like to talk about a family with a girl we are just starting to date. Even if we want kids, we won't let you know that for a while.
And to let you know a little secret, all men are sexist. We may appreciate women and agree with equal pay and what-not, but we still want to be dominate. It's so weird, I know.
To let ALL know before I go, there are exceptions to every rule and there are no perfect situations. It's just a river. Get into the flow and follow it. Be confident and jump in. You'll know what to do. And if you have any more problems, consult with me on Facebook and it may get seen in Part Deaux.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Big Brother's Bugs
So, the other day I was thinking. Bugs are indeed a very annoying part of our Earth. They seem oftentimes to be a unnecessary annoyance. What if they are "unnecessary?" What if they aren't an organic species. Let me explain...
Recently, I saw a toy (a child's toy) that operated on brain power. ??? That's what I said. Brain power. Telekinesis. I thought: If the government can do something like this, imagine what else they could do.
Back to the bugs, what if the government can make bio-intelligent computers. Cameras and sound equipment to infiltrate the common American home. In bugs. Now, for an example, let's look at a more socialistic government to see if it's been attempted before. Let's take a look at London. That's right, London. Have you ever heard of the saying, "In London, you're never more than 10 feet away from a rat." Well, what if rats were the first attempts in bio-cameras? Of course, since we're American and everything we do is better (hehe), we used bugs instead of creating an over-infested rat population.
However, in my theory, there are "real" bugs too. But they live outside.
What is so interesting, is that this theory led to my over-analysis of the Black Plague. What if the Black Plague started off as a biological warfare gone awry. The upper class noticed an increase in the lower class and, fearing an uprising, took matters into their own hands and covered rats in the Plague. Of course, this backfired when it got too big and the upper class died too.
Anyway, back to bugs. Next time you see a bug that seems out of place in your bathroom or kitchen, take some time to wonder: Is this a bio-camera? Food for thought.
Recently, I saw a toy (a child's toy) that operated on brain power. ??? That's what I said. Brain power. Telekinesis. I thought: If the government can do something like this, imagine what else they could do.
Back to the bugs, what if the government can make bio-intelligent computers. Cameras and sound equipment to infiltrate the common American home. In bugs. Now, for an example, let's look at a more socialistic government to see if it's been attempted before. Let's take a look at London. That's right, London. Have you ever heard of the saying, "In London, you're never more than 10 feet away from a rat." Well, what if rats were the first attempts in bio-cameras? Of course, since we're American and everything we do is better (hehe), we used bugs instead of creating an over-infested rat population.
However, in my theory, there are "real" bugs too. But they live outside.
What is so interesting, is that this theory led to my over-analysis of the Black Plague. What if the Black Plague started off as a biological warfare gone awry. The upper class noticed an increase in the lower class and, fearing an uprising, took matters into their own hands and covered rats in the Plague. Of course, this backfired when it got too big and the upper class died too.
Anyway, back to bugs. Next time you see a bug that seems out of place in your bathroom or kitchen, take some time to wonder: Is this a bio-camera? Food for thought.
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