America's Funniest 12 Monkeys

For those of you that don't know, I've had a pretty severe cold for the past week. It's been rough. I've gone through medicine after medicine and I'm still not better. It's ok. I'll get through.

With all these medicines, there are... side effects. Some make you sleep, some keep you awake, some throw you into a half-tired, half-caffeinated state. I took all three last night. Bad idea, I know, but you're missing the point of the story... Anyway, I finally fell into dream land and just as quickly I pop up in a speeding car.

I'm being chased by the cops in a high-speed pursuit in what looks to be some kind of city at night in Chinatown. The only thing that makes me know it's a dream is that Angelina Jolie is driving. I know, I know. You're interested. Just hold on. The only thing is I'm not myself. I'm... I'm... Bob. Bob Sagget. America's Funniest Home Videos and Full House, Bob.

Anyway, we, myself (Bob Sagget) and Angelina Jolie, pull into a gas station and she give me a pair of scissors and tells me to run. So, I run. I mean, you're supposed to listen to Angelina when she tells you to do something. I run into the gas station and look to see what happened to Angelina. (Of course.) I don't see her, but I see Bruce Willis jump out of a police car and start running after me.

Now, let me clarify something. It wasn't awesome, Die Hard Bruce. It was crazy, 12 Monkeys Bruce. For those that don't know of the 12 Monkeys, it's a bizarre, futuristic action movie where Bruce is sent to the past to save the future and he's homeless and crazy and he rants. The whole time, you don't know if he's telling the truth or just crazy.

Well, back to the story. I run to the back of the this gas station and there's a massive factory-like area in the back. I start up a ladder and Bruce is just laughing hysterically and running after me in just a trench-coat, jeans, and fingerless gloves. I'm halfway up and he grabs my ankle and, for some reason, I throw my scissors at him. It doesn't stick him, it just bounces off him and he gets my only weapon. I go through an opening at the top of the roof and I'm on top of a skyscraper (somehow). So, I run to the edge and Bruce Willis busts through the hatch with the scissors and runs over to me with a crazed-killing look on his face. He grabs me by the shirt, lifts me up over the edge, raises the scissors high in the air and cuts of my tie. He puts me down, we shake hands and he flies away. Exeunt Bruce

Jay wakes up.