I'm kinda wondering where to go in life, as I have wondered since the inception of creative thought. But I've realized it's not what I thought. Since my last post, I "ditched the bitch" in my life and now I'm single. I'm happy. So friggin' happy now! I can't even tell you. It feels good to finally be myself instead of trying to be someone else.
LIFE CREEDO: I will never again change myself for anyone or anything.
In celebration of my newfound life motto, I'm doing something for my 21st birthday that is completely and utterly for me. I'm getting a big tattoo. A big one. It will be on my arm. I've been working on this design for 3 years now and I can't wait to see it on me. Anyway, I was putting off getting it because I was worried what people would think. My recent freedom has caused me to finally wish to be who I am. And guess who I am? I'm a proud owner of a tattoo. Yet. I will be.
I think that for the longest time, I was unhappy because I was trying to be a cookie cutter. A mold of the person I wanted to be instead of was. And it wasn't that I wanted to be that person, but I thought I did. It was such a deep rooted craziness and need to please people. So, I'm officially signing off the crazy-train and setting sail to brighter seas. I will be a force of free-thinking in this small state of Arkansas. I am indeed alone in many of my beliefs here, but I think there are ears here that need to listen. Sometimes, we just have to make due with where we have been placed. I believe it is not mere chance that placed me in po-dunk Arkansas. I do want to move somewhere one day where there'll be people like me, but for now, I have been cast in this play.
Anyway, I'm done for now.
PS Thank you to all the people that asked about me while I was gone. I love you all.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
General Ranting
I'm starting to wonder what happened to the modern church. Where did it start becoming such an awful thing? I'll tell you a few things that I'm sick of: "Cliche" churches. You know the type of church that has all the same people in it and they do nothing to radicalize the world. The church that would rather travel to Africa to preach and ignore and/or degrade the girl wearing black. You know it.
Anyway, I'm back at college and I need a new church. Simply, it's unpractical to try and make it back to my old church as good as they are. I wonder if anyone realizes that we are ALL sinners? Did the modern church forget this? I think so. Because when a leader is found to be in sin (just like a human), they are outcasted by their church by people they thought loved them. Does that make any sense? You know Jesus was the only perfect person. Don't insult me by pretending you're perfect.
When it comes to picking a church, I want a church that isn't AS bad. I realize that no church is perfect. But Jesus tells us that fellowship is good, so I listen. But I want a church that has action. I want a front-lines kind of church. I want the kind of church that doesn't hide behind the "will" of Christ with their inactive, born-again lazy Christianity.
Eh, I don't know what I'm saying... I should sleep instead of blog. More on this is a book called "Starving Jesus." Best read for this subject. Oh, and watching the movie "Saved!" will give a large interpretation of the people I'm talking about. The character, Hilary Faye, is a big interpretation. Well, goodnight.
Anyway, I'm back at college and I need a new church. Simply, it's unpractical to try and make it back to my old church as good as they are. I wonder if anyone realizes that we are ALL sinners? Did the modern church forget this? I think so. Because when a leader is found to be in sin (just like a human), they are outcasted by their church by people they thought loved them. Does that make any sense? You know Jesus was the only perfect person. Don't insult me by pretending you're perfect.
When it comes to picking a church, I want a church that isn't AS bad. I realize that no church is perfect. But Jesus tells us that fellowship is good, so I listen. But I want a church that has action. I want a front-lines kind of church. I want the kind of church that doesn't hide behind the "will" of Christ with their inactive, born-again lazy Christianity.
Eh, I don't know what I'm saying... I should sleep instead of blog. More on this is a book called "Starving Jesus." Best read for this subject. Oh, and watching the movie "Saved!" will give a large interpretation of the people I'm talking about. The character, Hilary Faye, is a big interpretation. Well, goodnight.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Life Since March
Ok, here's the deal. I have been away. (In case you didn't notice.) Since being away, I have been to Ireland, Austin, and Colorado, as well as being a camp counselor for young kids at a camp with little internet. It has been a ride! I have had so much fun this summer. However, I miss writing out what's on my mind, so here I am. I missed you all. Here goes:
In the early parts of the summer, I went to staff training for this camp I work at. It is a Christian kid's camp. Over the past years, I have noticed a decline in my own spirituality. I mean, there was no doubt that I was a Christian. I loved God and occasionally went to church, but there's hot and cold spots in every relationship. Part of me was also angry. Angry at the hard truth of the Gospel. I tried to cover that dying relationship with keeping so "friggin'" busy with life. Even on this very blog, I would just lament about everything. This was my therapist.
Well, anywho, I began to see the decline, so I said, "God, I know that I'm here at this camp for a reason. Let me be an inspiration to these kids and see where you want me in my future. Have it all." I began to grow in my relationship with Christ and see where he wants my life to go. I'm no longer worried about it. I know He has it in control. The thing that made me worry so much about my girlfriend-relationships and my career path after school was that I was trying to do it alone, but when I gave it ALL. He took it ALL. I know God is real because of the work He has done on my heart. I have started to realize that my relationship with Christ is all that matters. This wasn't exactly a "quick" revelation, but I am working on it.
Since my last post, I have also started to date a wonderful woman of God. She challenges me to be a better Godly man and I appreciate her for that. We are trying to build our relationship on God so it lasts.
The point of me writing this is to direct my blog in a new direction. I am going to leave the past blogs up, but I want it to represent my life and what's happening in it. The past is still there, but I'm going in a new direction. Now, this blog won't be a "Christian" blog, but it will be about my life, in which I happen to be a Christian. This is to say if I say something non-Christian-y, I won't be hammered... I'll still call people douches and what-not, I'll just do it with love. :D
My biggest prayer/concern is going from who I was into who I am. For instance, going from old Jay to new Jay at college. At face value, I'm not a good Christian, but I know that I'm forgiven. I hope people see the change as for the good.
In the early parts of the summer, I went to staff training for this camp I work at. It is a Christian kid's camp. Over the past years, I have noticed a decline in my own spirituality. I mean, there was no doubt that I was a Christian. I loved God and occasionally went to church, but there's hot and cold spots in every relationship. Part of me was also angry. Angry at the hard truth of the Gospel. I tried to cover that dying relationship with keeping so "friggin'" busy with life. Even on this very blog, I would just lament about everything. This was my therapist.
Well, anywho, I began to see the decline, so I said, "God, I know that I'm here at this camp for a reason. Let me be an inspiration to these kids and see where you want me in my future. Have it all." I began to grow in my relationship with Christ and see where he wants my life to go. I'm no longer worried about it. I know He has it in control. The thing that made me worry so much about my girlfriend-relationships and my career path after school was that I was trying to do it alone, but when I gave it ALL. He took it ALL. I know God is real because of the work He has done on my heart. I have started to realize that my relationship with Christ is all that matters. This wasn't exactly a "quick" revelation, but I am working on it.
Since my last post, I have also started to date a wonderful woman of God. She challenges me to be a better Godly man and I appreciate her for that. We are trying to build our relationship on God so it lasts.
The point of me writing this is to direct my blog in a new direction. I am going to leave the past blogs up, but I want it to represent my life and what's happening in it. The past is still there, but I'm going in a new direction. Now, this blog won't be a "Christian" blog, but it will be about my life, in which I happen to be a Christian. This is to say if I say something non-Christian-y, I won't be hammered... I'll still call people douches and what-not, I'll just do it with love. :D
My biggest prayer/concern is going from who I was into who I am. For instance, going from old Jay to new Jay at college. At face value, I'm not a good Christian, but I know that I'm forgiven. I hope people see the change as for the good.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
What truck?
Today, I was scanning Facebook. I was looking down my home feed and I see a profile picture, not of the person, but of their truck. First of all, I'll go with a bold statement and say that if you have a picture of yourself without a shirt or a picture of your customized car/truck on your Facebook profile picture, you're a douche...
Anyway, I see this picture and it's not an average truck. It has these rims and it's lowered with a custom paint job. I don't understand this. Well, I can understand customizing a car with all these... "trinkets." However, I can not understand the need to do this to a truck. This takes away the very idea and durability of a truck. The purpose of a truck is to haul and do heavy duty things like work on a farm. Not to be a "redneck gangsta." People from my hometown are the worst. They think they're from A-town or H-town or L.A. and they're "gangster." Message to those: You are not. Get it through you're head. You were raised in suburbia.
Basically, my theory is that they're trying to socially connect to a culture they admire by customizing the "admirable" culture and making it their own. Similarly, the religion of Islam forming to the culture it inhabits. Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. Goodbye.
Anyway, I see this picture and it's not an average truck. It has these rims and it's lowered with a custom paint job. I don't understand this. Well, I can understand customizing a car with all these... "trinkets." However, I can not understand the need to do this to a truck. This takes away the very idea and durability of a truck. The purpose of a truck is to haul and do heavy duty things like work on a farm. Not to be a "redneck gangsta." People from my hometown are the worst. They think they're from A-town or H-town or L.A. and they're "gangster." Message to those: You are not. Get it through you're head. You were raised in suburbia.
Basically, my theory is that they're trying to socially connect to a culture they admire by customizing the "admirable" culture and making it their own. Similarly, the religion of Islam forming to the culture it inhabits. Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. Goodbye.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Civilized? Yeah, right.
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -Aristotle
"They construct ransom letters from biblical passages..." -Flobots
In essence, this post is a sequel to yesterday's entry. Except, instead of satirically proposing we kill the weak, I actually want to rant a bit. Today, I was able to catch the first hour of The Lost Boys of Sudan and it really made me to see how these boys have grown up to come to America in search of help for their country and they are soon "suckered" into American culture. Currently, there is civil unrest in Africa. Peace treatises are attempting to gain ground, but death still continues. In five short years of war, 300,000 people have been killed. Those numbers include women and children. The Sudanese civil war may have had a "peace" treaty, but there is still problems.
Let me say one thing; I'm not a liberal, tree-hugging, sushi-eating person, or anything like that. But I am a humanitarian. I don't propose that the U.S. step up in every conflict that the world has, because we would never get anything done here. However, I am upset that millions have died in Africa, and we go a couple months of higher gas prices and we invade oil-bearing countries. We claim to justify ourselves under the guise of "homeland security" when all we really want is cheap gas, cheap labor, and cheap cheap cheap.
All I'm trying to say is what if we unconditionally loved for a day? A week? A month? A year? You might say, "Well, America could do that, but our enemies wouldn't and we can't take a break for our own safety..."
"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind." -Mahatma Ghandi
So, can America (the "perfect" society) reach beyond their borders and love? In fact, can they even reach across the street?
You know what I hate? The term "holy war." In Islam, it's called jihad. In Christianity (oh yes, Christians have it too), it's called crusades. It basically gives the right to kill simply because one people don't believe as another. I'm not completely familiar with the teachings of Muhammad, but I have read a little bit. (I believe in knowing about things outside of ourselves.) I know that he taught peace and love just as Jesus did. Over time, we have bastardized the holy writings of our ancestors and conformed it to our own beliefs. "Holy war" is a conundrum in itself, for darkness cannot exist in light and bad cannot exist in good. Jesus went to the people, down to where there were, not to "raise" them up to a higher level of piety, but to give them mercy and love. Jesus taught against piousness. I'm not sure if the modern Christian church got this memo. I love it when the church does trips to a foreign land carrying, not the mercy and love of Christ, but the piety and culture of Christianity. I mean to say that some missionaries (definitely not all, I love them dearly) don't go in with a Christ-like mindset. They basically want to integrate them into American society, rather than just teach Christ. It's very similar to the globalization by the Spaniards and British from the 14th Century to as late as the !9th Century. They came in and forced integration and "civilized" society on these Aztecs and Native Americans and nearly wiped out an entire race. Thanks, White People. Culture is a vital part of the world. Every piece makes up a mosaic of beauty.
Well, I'm done ranting. For now. I now this makes little sense, but I hope you see what I'm saying as a whole. Look at the big picture. Look at the canvas of words I'm trying to paint for you. It may be a bit expressionistic, but I hope you see my message.
"They construct ransom letters from biblical passages..." -Flobots
In essence, this post is a sequel to yesterday's entry. Except, instead of satirically proposing we kill the weak, I actually want to rant a bit. Today, I was able to catch the first hour of The Lost Boys of Sudan and it really made me to see how these boys have grown up to come to America in search of help for their country and they are soon "suckered" into American culture. Currently, there is civil unrest in Africa. Peace treatises are attempting to gain ground, but death still continues. In five short years of war, 300,000 people have been killed. Those numbers include women and children. The Sudanese civil war may have had a "peace" treaty, but there is still problems.
Let me say one thing; I'm not a liberal, tree-hugging, sushi-eating person, or anything like that. But I am a humanitarian. I don't propose that the U.S. step up in every conflict that the world has, because we would never get anything done here. However, I am upset that millions have died in Africa, and we go a couple months of higher gas prices and we invade oil-bearing countries. We claim to justify ourselves under the guise of "homeland security" when all we really want is cheap gas, cheap labor, and cheap cheap cheap.
All I'm trying to say is what if we unconditionally loved for a day? A week? A month? A year? You might say, "Well, America could do that, but our enemies wouldn't and we can't take a break for our own safety..."
"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind." -Mahatma Ghandi
So, can America (the "perfect" society) reach beyond their borders and love? In fact, can they even reach across the street?
You know what I hate? The term "holy war." In Islam, it's called jihad. In Christianity (oh yes, Christians have it too), it's called crusades. It basically gives the right to kill simply because one people don't believe as another. I'm not completely familiar with the teachings of Muhammad, but I have read a little bit. (I believe in knowing about things outside of ourselves.) I know that he taught peace and love just as Jesus did. Over time, we have bastardized the holy writings of our ancestors and conformed it to our own beliefs. "Holy war" is a conundrum in itself, for darkness cannot exist in light and bad cannot exist in good. Jesus went to the people, down to where there were, not to "raise" them up to a higher level of piety, but to give them mercy and love. Jesus taught against piousness. I'm not sure if the modern Christian church got this memo. I love it when the church does trips to a foreign land carrying, not the mercy and love of Christ, but the piety and culture of Christianity. I mean to say that some missionaries (definitely not all, I love them dearly) don't go in with a Christ-like mindset. They basically want to integrate them into American society, rather than just teach Christ. It's very similar to the globalization by the Spaniards and British from the 14th Century to as late as the !9th Century. They came in and forced integration and "civilized" society on these Aztecs and Native Americans and nearly wiped out an entire race. Thanks, White People. Culture is a vital part of the world. Every piece makes up a mosaic of beauty.
Well, I'm done ranting. For now. I now this makes little sense, but I hope you see what I'm saying as a whole. Look at the big picture. Look at the canvas of words I'm trying to paint for you. It may be a bit expressionistic, but I hope you see my message.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sanctity of Life: Relative?
The other day I was watching a squirrel and wondering if he knew who I was. He's just a squirrel. He doesn't care who I am, honestly. He cares if I were another animal trying hurt him; or does he? Maybe it's just about self-preservation built into our genetic code...
Let me start off this post with making it known that I don't condone murder/maiming/violence.
Well, I continued to walk and think. Think and walk. What I came up with is this: What if the concept of human attitude mixed with self-preservation has caused us to mess with the natural flow of life. Our common (and not to mention, modern) concept of life is that humans shall be preserved and animals are to be genetically modified through preventative reproduction. I guarantee you that if we didn't have the modern concept of "murder" that our society would probably be more genetically advanced. That it to say, animals are not connected to eachother as much as humans are. It is said that an advanced society is higher that "preventative reproduction," but as Jonathan Swift pointed out in "A Modest Proposal," the weakest of any generation can be used for better uses.
On a genetic, instinctive level, humans are animals. We have the same needs as animals. We need food and we need ways to get food. Our bodies are made for a hunting/gathering purpose, rather than a quick drive-thru run. We have natural instincts that are put inside of us. Now the bigger question is such: Are we completely repressed in our instincts, or are we simply waiting for the day those instincts take control?
What is a bigger mind-blower is that I don't think we have completely repressed those instincts. How else do you explain war? I mean, in our "advanced" society, don't you think we would be above war for something as unnecessary to survival as... oil? Diamonds? Or even genocide? Who's to say that we are naturally predisposed to mass genocide?
Let me finish up by saying that I do treasure human life (even the "special" ones), and I do not advise participation in genocide. Thank you.
Let me start off this post with making it known that I don't condone murder/maiming/violence.
Well, I continued to walk and think. Think and walk. What I came up with is this: What if the concept of human attitude mixed with self-preservation has caused us to mess with the natural flow of life. Our common (and not to mention, modern) concept of life is that humans shall be preserved and animals are to be genetically modified through preventative reproduction. I guarantee you that if we didn't have the modern concept of "murder" that our society would probably be more genetically advanced. That it to say, animals are not connected to eachother as much as humans are. It is said that an advanced society is higher that "preventative reproduction," but as Jonathan Swift pointed out in "A Modest Proposal," the weakest of any generation can be used for better uses.
On a genetic, instinctive level, humans are animals. We have the same needs as animals. We need food and we need ways to get food. Our bodies are made for a hunting/gathering purpose, rather than a quick drive-thru run. We have natural instincts that are put inside of us. Now the bigger question is such: Are we completely repressed in our instincts, or are we simply waiting for the day those instincts take control?
What is a bigger mind-blower is that I don't think we have completely repressed those instincts. How else do you explain war? I mean, in our "advanced" society, don't you think we would be above war for something as unnecessary to survival as... oil? Diamonds? Or even genocide? Who's to say that we are naturally predisposed to mass genocide?
Let me finish up by saying that I do treasure human life (even the "special" ones), and I do not advise participation in genocide. Thank you.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Call me Dreamweaver.
I'm rather nervous about the events that have been unfolding. Not in my own life, but in my dream world. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Just to give a little background on my dreams: I don't have them. I had maybe two dreams a year before about a year ago. I don't know what's going on, but it's weird. Last night is the reason I decided to write this entry.
So, to get a background, I'll let you know some of the dreams up to this point. The other night, I had a dream I was in an old boxing gym, like in the Rocky movies. Suddenly John Candy is sitting beside me smoking a cigar. The funny thing is: I know I'm dreaming and he knows he's dead. We start talking about acting and watching this boxing workout match. Suddenly, I know what he's there for: he's meant to give me advice. I start asking him questions on life and love and happiness, and he, surprisingly, gives me good answers.
Anyway, last night, I dreamed I was in bed and I look out the window and I see a beautiful day, then a giant storm cloud comes in slowly and almost sucks the daylight out. It's raining now and all I can see is this dark cloud. I try to tell people to move for the storm and I'm speaking Japanese. After a bit of speaking Japanese, I get drafted into the Peace Corps and sent to Japan to work in a hospital. All these people I'm working with have been working there for years and I have no idea what's going on. I turn a corner and I'm in Africa, and there's all these people bleeding and dying, missing limbs. I jump into action and I just start putting limbs back on people and stopping their pain. In one big jump, I'm on the quad at HSU and the storm from earlier is still there coming at me and no one notices it. Once again, I'm yelling in Japanese. I go to the Peace Corps office and they tell me that I'm AWOL and try to arrest me, but I explain that I have to finish college before going into the Peace Corps...
Then I wake up.
This is just a sample of the dreams I have been experiencing. The shocking part, these aren't even the worst. I don't know what to expect tonight. Or the next night.
So, to get a background, I'll let you know some of the dreams up to this point. The other night, I had a dream I was in an old boxing gym, like in the Rocky movies. Suddenly John Candy is sitting beside me smoking a cigar. The funny thing is: I know I'm dreaming and he knows he's dead. We start talking about acting and watching this boxing workout match. Suddenly, I know what he's there for: he's meant to give me advice. I start asking him questions on life and love and happiness, and he, surprisingly, gives me good answers.
Anyway, last night, I dreamed I was in bed and I look out the window and I see a beautiful day, then a giant storm cloud comes in slowly and almost sucks the daylight out. It's raining now and all I can see is this dark cloud. I try to tell people to move for the storm and I'm speaking Japanese. After a bit of speaking Japanese, I get drafted into the Peace Corps and sent to Japan to work in a hospital. All these people I'm working with have been working there for years and I have no idea what's going on. I turn a corner and I'm in Africa, and there's all these people bleeding and dying, missing limbs. I jump into action and I just start putting limbs back on people and stopping their pain. In one big jump, I'm on the quad at HSU and the storm from earlier is still there coming at me and no one notices it. Once again, I'm yelling in Japanese. I go to the Peace Corps office and they tell me that I'm AWOL and try to arrest me, but I explain that I have to finish college before going into the Peace Corps...
Then I wake up.
This is just a sample of the dreams I have been experiencing. The shocking part, these aren't even the worst. I don't know what to expect tonight. Or the next night.
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