Directions

I'm sure if you look at my posts from about a year ago, you'll find me in some similar predicament. If anything, I'm a creature of habit. Here's my problem: I know my path. I know that doesn't sound like much of a problem, but what if you don't want to go that direction.

This reminds me of a story. In some ancient text, a man was asked by God to sacrifice his only child to Him. Although, it wasn't near as simple as that. This was his only son. In those days, that meant a lot. Children were many. You'd have 3 or 4 wives just to keep up with "demand" of procreation. Anyway, this man and his wife had waited years for this gift of a child and now the same God that offered this gift to them was asking it back in the greatest sacrifice of this man's life. This man knew what he had to do. I'm sure he didn't want to do it. I guarantee that. But this man's obedience to God was very high.

Now, if you haven't guessed by now, I'm referring to the story of Abraham and Isaac. For some reason, this story just came to mind when I was meditating about what and where to go in life.

Something you should know about me... I don't like schedules. I don't like lists. I don't like plans. In fact, I will often do the opposite of something just because it's planned. So, obviously, when I was told as a child that God had a plan for me, I was pissed. I remember thinking, "But I don't wanna...." This thought of everything being pre-planned is very comforting to some. But not to me.

A long time ago, a very wise man told me that God (you know, "Big Guy") had a "plan" for me. Scared. The. Mess. Outta me...

Before I go any further, I want to give you an insight of where I'm at.. "spiritually" speaking. I'm not on good terms with organized religion. My last girlfriend was kind of a fanatic and turned me off to the idea of "church." I don't go anymore. I've stopped reading my bible. I have prayed recently, but it's intermittent. This is the reason why this post is so strange to me. I don't know why my "call" has been revamped in my brain, but I think it started when my old boss texted me and asked me to come back again this summer as a camp counselor. I began to reminisce on the fun I had and the friends I made. People I care about very much. I reminisced about myself. I'm different. Not necessarily good or bad, just different. I think I've grown a lot since then. I also think I may have taken a few steps backwards. But that's relative... I've grown in the fact that I have my own doctrine, not something passed down to me. I believe God doesn't make mistakes. I believe we're all beautiful and different and those differences make us the mosaic of humanity that we are. I've realized I don't need a girlfriend to make me happy. I like being single. That took me a long, long time to finally get to that point. I also have a backbone now. Weird, right? I'm not afraid anymore to assert my position, even if no one agrees with me.

So, I'm at this point where God has told me to sacrifice my son to Him. I, Jaybraham, can either go up on the mountain in obedience or keep my son safe from harm.

Lately, I've been feeling some sort of tug on my life. It's not something I can really explain, I just know there's something greater at work moving my path. Last summer, I made a request of God that no matter what I did, he would keep me on the path. As much as I've tried to deviate from that recently, I still feel the path under my feet, even if I am in the darkness. I know exactly where I need to go, what I need to do, but I have no desire to do it, to be perfectly honest. Like I said, I hate plans. The question now is, where do I go from here? I think, easy way or hard way, I'm going to get to the same place.