Boston Tea Party, 2009

I was thinking the other day and I thought what would happen if the Boston Tea Party happened today. Honestly. How hilarious. There would be this giant investigation, the president would be blamed for not protecting homeland security, and the EPA would have a fit.

Just picture it; They would fingerprint the tea barrels, the Tea companies would sue the "dumpers" of tea, and the ACLU would try to make it a racial issue. The tea "dumpers" are making a statement of the oppression of the white majority on the other folks. The tea "dumpers" would be sued by the PTA of America saying, "They shouldn't set such an example for our children."

There really is no point to this, I just thought it was funny. If you want one... Ok, I'll give you one. What happened to our revolutionary spirit?! When did we become mundane and overly sued? For instance, people are pissed off because doctors make too much. Excuse me, I want doctors to make amazing money! By them making more, they love their job and want to be better. When I get old and my parts start to go bad and things are falling down or sagging, I want a guy that loves his job and is able to pay off the $600,000 of school debt. Anywhoo... That's it. Short soapbox, I know.

My Own Rain, And I Other Things I Hate

I was lying in bed, about to fall asleep when I realized I needed to write some things down before I went to sleep. I decided to write about a few of my... pet peeves.

1) Brail on drive-thru ATMs.

2) Text lingo. i.e. OMG BFF LMFAO WHATEV If I ever use these, I'm being sarcastic.

3) Tools. Not the metal kind, but the over-gelled, over-tanned ones.

4) Big trucks without mud on it. Scratch that. Big trucks. Period. I mean lift-kit and "muddin'" tires.

4.5) This goes with #4: People that wear camouflage when not hunting.

5) Anyone that will argue politics. Both sides. I'm not prejudice towards one side or the other. I'm equally irritated by both.

6) I've noticed that when you sneeze straight up in the air, it will slowly fall back on you like your own personal rain. I hate that. As you sit in your own storm, you slowly think about what is truly caressing your face. Snot and saliva. Shot at 200 mph at the ceiling. It fails to reach its destination and falls back on your face. Mmm...

7)Fast and slow drivers.

Well, this is it for today, but I think this one is so good, it deserves a Part Deux.

The Wiz

Alright, so this entry may be a little quick but try to keep up. I know you can.

The other day (today), I was lamenting about the fact all my friends seem to be moving on with their lives. They're living it. Growing up, facing the world, etc etc. I sometimes don't even want to talk to these people because it's almost as if they're flaunting the fact that they have moved on to bigger things.

However, I am a man of reason with reasonable thoughts. (Sometimes.) So, I directed my over-analytical thought processes at myself and here's what I got: I'm the Scarecrow of The Wizard of OZ.

In the movie, The Wizard of Oz, (and I'm not going to give a synopsis) the Scarecrow wants a brain to have deeper thoughts. The cool part about this is, the fact he wants a deeper thought and realizes that deeper thoughts are a possibility is a deeper thought. He asks Dorothy to help him down and then tells her how to get him down, therefore, deeper thoughts are already happening.

The same goes for the Tinman. He feels the need to feel. Therefore, he has feeling and emotion. In fact, when they meet the Lion, he is full of emotion in shaking with fear.

My very quick and well-thought-out point is this: Maybe I am moving forward as well. Maybe I'm not so immobile. I mean, I'm in college. I have a major. I know that I want to help people. What else do I need at this point?

New Year's Resolution

For my first post of the new year, I've decided that this post will be on my resolutions for the upcoming year. Until recently, I wasn't going to have any. I think that they're cliche and so overly done that they aren't followed because people pile on too much. As of today, my gym experience will be nightmarish with all of the out-of-shape folks trying to do too much and crowding the gym. But I don't worry because they'll be gone by February.

Well, I don't need to go on a diet, because I'm already on one, and I don't need to get fit, because I am. I don't need to quit coffee, because... I'm not going to. Anyway, I have decided upon a couple of resolutions, and, after much thought, I realized how much they are related.

1.) I resolve to stop buying DVDs from the five-dollar bin at Wal-Mart. It is an... addiction. Now, I don't plan on cold turkey, but I want to be more responsible with my money. I am 20.

2.) I resolve not to worry about my future/destiny.

I'm sure you understand number one, but let me explain number 2 and how it's related. You see, I like, no love, movies. It takes you to a place where things are much simpler, or to a place that is more complicated. Either way, you feel relieved to watch them. I think that movies are predictable. They all are. Even the ones that people claim, "You'll never guess who did what!" They just are to me. However, don't get me wrong. I love this about them. They are a control group in my experiment called life.

Oftentimes, I wish my life was scripted. It has a plot. It has a protagonist, and the protagonist has opposing forces. There are arcs of conflict and, finally, a resolution. Guess what? After the resolution, after the one solitary problem of that character's life is done, it's over. No more conflict. No more. Human life is an unscripted play. The worst play ever devised, I might add, but a play. It has all these mini-plots inside of the big plot and the big plot doesn't even makes sense.

Alright, here's what I'm trying to say: I don't know what to do with my life. I remember looking at college kids that were my age now as a high-schooler and thinking, "Wow, they have it all together." Why don't I have it together? So many of my friends know what they want. They are already married, engaged, and even having children.

I want kids one day. However, I'm not even close to becoming stable enough for a relationship, let alone kids. But I also don't want to be 30 before I begin to have them. It seems as if I don't act now, I may miss out. For those that know me, you know that my love-life is anything but stable. In fact, it's a mess. That part of my life is filled with regret and angst. There's nothing I can do about it now though. It's one of those things that bother me constantly. "Could this girl be it?" "Could she be the one I marry?" I need to quit before it eats me up on the inside. Girls are also very complicated. I wish that they would just tell you what they want. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I know this may sound funny, but my love-life most closely resembles that of J.D. from Scrubs. Except, my experiences aren't as funny.

So, here I sit. 3:30 on New Year's Day. Alone. Single. Inexperienced. And I have no idea where to go from here. But, hey, I'm not going to worry about it. Plus, I'll have a few extra dollars in my pocket from not buying DVDs.

America's Funniest 12 Monkeys

For those of you that don't know, I've had a pretty severe cold for the past week. It's been rough. I've gone through medicine after medicine and I'm still not better. It's ok. I'll get through.

With all these medicines, there are... side effects. Some make you sleep, some keep you awake, some throw you into a half-tired, half-caffeinated state. I took all three last night. Bad idea, I know, but you're missing the point of the story... Anyway, I finally fell into dream land and just as quickly I pop up in a speeding car.

I'm being chased by the cops in a high-speed pursuit in what looks to be some kind of city at night in Chinatown. The only thing that makes me know it's a dream is that Angelina Jolie is driving. I know, I know. You're interested. Just hold on. The only thing is I'm not myself. I'm... I'm... Bob. Bob Sagget. America's Funniest Home Videos and Full House, Bob.

Anyway, we, myself (Bob Sagget) and Angelina Jolie, pull into a gas station and she give me a pair of scissors and tells me to run. So, I run. I mean, you're supposed to listen to Angelina when she tells you to do something. I run into the gas station and look to see what happened to Angelina. (Of course.) I don't see her, but I see Bruce Willis jump out of a police car and start running after me.

Now, let me clarify something. It wasn't awesome, Die Hard Bruce. It was crazy, 12 Monkeys Bruce. For those that don't know of the 12 Monkeys, it's a bizarre, futuristic action movie where Bruce is sent to the past to save the future and he's homeless and crazy and he rants. The whole time, you don't know if he's telling the truth or just crazy.

Well, back to the story. I run to the back of the this gas station and there's a massive factory-like area in the back. I start up a ladder and Bruce is just laughing hysterically and running after me in just a trench-coat, jeans, and fingerless gloves. I'm halfway up and he grabs my ankle and, for some reason, I throw my scissors at him. It doesn't stick him, it just bounces off him and he gets my only weapon. I go through an opening at the top of the roof and I'm on top of a skyscraper (somehow). So, I run to the edge and Bruce Willis busts through the hatch with the scissors and runs over to me with a crazed-killing look on his face. He grabs me by the shirt, lifts me up over the edge, raises the scissors high in the air and cuts of my tie. He puts me down, we shake hands and he flies away. Exeunt Bruce

Jay wakes up.

Dating Tips

I know what you're probably thinking: "Why is a single, 20-year-old going to give out dating advice?" Well, frankly, I don't know. However, sometimes I believe that those that give advice are often less likely to follow their own wisdom. It's true. Look at doctors. "Don't smoke. Excuse me, my nicotine stick is making my mouth water..."

Before we begin, I must let you know that some inspiration was taken from a song by That Handsome Devil called "Dating Tips." I don't recommend everything in that song, but that's why I'm writing my own bit and not just spitting out song lyrics. Anyway, digression...

GUYS:
Well, first let's start with the fellas. Fellas?! Can I get a hey-OH?! Well, fine... Hey-ohs are out, I guess. Digression! My first point, don't get off-topic. It's just aggravating.

Alright, real first point: Confidence. This is it. The key. Magical, I know.

With the first topic, I must also clarify that I don't begin to understand the complexities of the female mind. It's better left as unexplored territory.

I often see these horrifyingly, fugly fellas dating bombshells. What is up with that? After mucho scientific research, including animal testing, I've realized it's not looks, it's something inside. They're confident. They may not be awesome, but they believe they are. However, there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is belief you are awesome and arrogance is belief that you are more awesome than others. You see the arrogant ones. They are also referred to as "tools." Over-gelled, Backstreet Boys with self-tanner. Tools.

Another big one: "Girls have, will always have, the upper hand." Know this. Learn this. Understand this. You may think you know what's going on, but you don't. They are far more clever. You're dating relationship is a life chess set. And you're playing Bobby Fisher. They may even say they don't know, but they do. You must understand the enemy before you battle them. (Just kidding about "battle." Knives on the first date are a red-flag.)

Something you should also take into account, don't replace confidence with "liquid courage." It's slightly insulting to a female to be hit on by a drunk.

Honestly, what do you have to lose, you're already single? What's the worst that could happen? More singleness? Now, on to females. Don't worry guys. I'll be back later. With part deaux.

FEMALES:
Hiya. Going into this, I'm going to say that I only guess at "girl code." I don't actually know the code, but if I'm wrong, let me know and I'll ratify it in part deaux.

First, and foremost, play hard to get. Good things never come quickly.

A subtext of this rule is: Don't talk about old boyfriends. Male are, for some reason, slightly territorial. They have what is called, a "Columbus Complex." Other people may have been there, but we still wanna say we discovered it.

Also, don't talk about plans for the future. Guys don't plan and we really don't like to talk about a family with a girl we are just starting to date. Even if we want kids, we won't let you know that for a while.

And to let you know a little secret, all men are sexist. We may appreciate women and agree with equal pay and what-not, but we still want to be dominate. It's so weird, I know.

To let ALL know before I go, there are exceptions to every rule and there are no perfect situations. It's just a river. Get into the flow and follow it. Be confident and jump in. You'll know what to do. And if you have any more problems, consult with me on Facebook and it may get seen in Part Deaux.

Big Brother's Bugs

So, the other day I was thinking. Bugs are indeed a very annoying part of our Earth. They seem oftentimes to be a unnecessary annoyance. What if they are "unnecessary?" What if they aren't an organic species. Let me explain...

Recently, I saw a toy (a child's toy) that operated on brain power. ??? That's what I said. Brain power. Telekinesis. I thought: If the government can do something like this, imagine what else they could do.

Back to the bugs, what if the government can make bio-intelligent computers. Cameras and sound equipment to infiltrate the common American home. In bugs. Now, for an example, let's look at a more socialistic government to see if it's been attempted before. Let's take a look at London. That's right, London. Have you ever heard of the saying, "In London, you're never more than 10 feet away from a rat." Well, what if rats were the first attempts in bio-cameras? Of course, since we're American and everything we do is better (hehe), we used bugs instead of creating an over-infested rat population.

However, in my theory, there are "real" bugs too. But they live outside.

What is so interesting, is that this theory led to my over-analysis of the Black Plague. What if the Black Plague started off as a biological warfare gone awry. The upper class noticed an increase in the lower class and, fearing an uprising, took matters into their own hands and covered rats in the Plague. Of course, this backfired when it got too big and the upper class died too.

Anyway, back to bugs. Next time you see a bug that seems out of place in your bathroom or kitchen, take some time to wonder: Is this a bio-camera? Food for thought.