Directions

I'm sure if you look at my posts from about a year ago, you'll find me in some similar predicament. If anything, I'm a creature of habit. Here's my problem: I know my path. I know that doesn't sound like much of a problem, but what if you don't want to go that direction.

This reminds me of a story. In some ancient text, a man was asked by God to sacrifice his only child to Him. Although, it wasn't near as simple as that. This was his only son. In those days, that meant a lot. Children were many. You'd have 3 or 4 wives just to keep up with "demand" of procreation. Anyway, this man and his wife had waited years for this gift of a child and now the same God that offered this gift to them was asking it back in the greatest sacrifice of this man's life. This man knew what he had to do. I'm sure he didn't want to do it. I guarantee that. But this man's obedience to God was very high.

Now, if you haven't guessed by now, I'm referring to the story of Abraham and Isaac. For some reason, this story just came to mind when I was meditating about what and where to go in life.

Something you should know about me... I don't like schedules. I don't like lists. I don't like plans. In fact, I will often do the opposite of something just because it's planned. So, obviously, when I was told as a child that God had a plan for me, I was pissed. I remember thinking, "But I don't wanna...." This thought of everything being pre-planned is very comforting to some. But not to me.

A long time ago, a very wise man told me that God (you know, "Big Guy") had a "plan" for me. Scared. The. Mess. Outta me...

Before I go any further, I want to give you an insight of where I'm at.. "spiritually" speaking. I'm not on good terms with organized religion. My last girlfriend was kind of a fanatic and turned me off to the idea of "church." I don't go anymore. I've stopped reading my bible. I have prayed recently, but it's intermittent. This is the reason why this post is so strange to me. I don't know why my "call" has been revamped in my brain, but I think it started when my old boss texted me and asked me to come back again this summer as a camp counselor. I began to reminisce on the fun I had and the friends I made. People I care about very much. I reminisced about myself. I'm different. Not necessarily good or bad, just different. I think I've grown a lot since then. I also think I may have taken a few steps backwards. But that's relative... I've grown in the fact that I have my own doctrine, not something passed down to me. I believe God doesn't make mistakes. I believe we're all beautiful and different and those differences make us the mosaic of humanity that we are. I've realized I don't need a girlfriend to make me happy. I like being single. That took me a long, long time to finally get to that point. I also have a backbone now. Weird, right? I'm not afraid anymore to assert my position, even if no one agrees with me.

So, I'm at this point where God has told me to sacrifice my son to Him. I, Jaybraham, can either go up on the mountain in obedience or keep my son safe from harm.

Lately, I've been feeling some sort of tug on my life. It's not something I can really explain, I just know there's something greater at work moving my path. Last summer, I made a request of God that no matter what I did, he would keep me on the path. As much as I've tried to deviate from that recently, I still feel the path under my feet, even if I am in the darkness. I know exactly where I need to go, what I need to do, but I have no desire to do it, to be perfectly honest. Like I said, I hate plans. The question now is, where do I go from here? I think, easy way or hard way, I'm going to get to the same place.

Exhaustion.

So, I have been sick. Pretty sick. Everyday for the past 4 days, I've woken up to no voice. On top of that, I have no time to rest and I can't afford to skip class. I'm in a very serious catch-22 here. After class, I go to the theatre, where I stay until 10-10:15. Then, I come back to my room to do homework until about 1. I go to sleep, wake up, and do it over again. No rest. No gym. No way to escape. On top of all that, I'm hungry. So, I go to eat Caddo. FYI: Caddo is shit. Pardon my French. There's no other word to describe it. The only "tasty" food is the food that's been bathing in an oil vat for 10-15 minutes. Most of the time, the food is below temperature and stale. Anything "healthy" is just... Well, there isn't anything healthy. My living area isn't so bad. I have a roommate that is really great but living with someone is still hard because we're on two different schedules. When he wants to sleep, I have homework. When I want to sleep, he has class.

Something you should know about food and I: we're in love. Although, I don't love nasty food or junk food. I love health food. Weird. I know. But I do. I love to cook. I love to spice. My food makes me feel cheery and vibrant. When I have junk food, I get sick. (PS I'm sick now. *hint*) I feel gross and slimy and just not good.

I honestly don't know what to do about all of this. I'm weighing my options. But if I have to stay at Henderson and live on campus, I will quit school. I can't go on like this anymore. I't ridiculous. I feel like I'm in prison. I could do off-campus, but I don't have money for rent.

I could transfer. Although, I love my family at Henderson, I just can't be this sick anymore. It's exhausting.

Well, I'm done venting for now. Thanks for reading. If you have any ideas, let me know.

No Right Way

Do you ever think that there is no "right" way? No correct path? No proper order of things? Well, I think I may have done what is right for me for the first time in a long time, but I think I may have crushed someone's spirit. I did what I thought was right and just. That's the correct path, right?

Predicament: I think that sometimes in our lives, what is right for us is not always right. I had issues with someone. They were treating me badly, or at least what I perceived as bad, and I told them exactly how I felt about how they treated me.

I used to be one of those people who would review situations in which someone was rude or pretentious and go through the possibilities of what I could have said to really put them in their place. For once, I told someone exactly what I thought about them right when I wanted to say it, and I hated it. I don't know which is better. To review what you could have said when you wanted to say it, or actually doing it.

I hate myself right now. I honestly could say that the relationship was salvageable before now. Now, I don't think it's possible. If I could take it back, I would. This person is rude and pretentious at times, but they didn't deserve the cut-down I gave them. I said a lot of things that I had no place to say. I guess I figured I was on a roll. I don't think I'll continue using this "back bone." It just makes me feel bad when I use it.

Lesson:
Think what you say before you say it. Simple, I know. But evermore prevalent.

Seasons

With winter finally subsiding (in Arkansas, at least), the seasons are starting to change. The weather is 60 today and it's sunshiny and wonderful. I love the very beginning of spring every year. The buds on the trees begin to bloom, the sun is brighter, and people just seem happier. To me, this is a giant metaphor. Cliche, I know, but cliches are cliches for a reason: They're apt. But, like I was saying, changing seasons, yada yada yada...

Here's the deal. I think that in a person's life, there are seasons. Seasons are not the same for everyone. The frequency and amount of seasons vary from person to person. (I seem overly descriptive, but I want you to get what I mean. I'm not trying to write like you're an idiot. Promise.) Seasons are dark and cold sometimes, but, as the Tao says, you can't truly recognize the beauty without the ugly. Life is balance, and with every bad thing (or season), there is a good thing (or season). See what I'm saying? Even if you don't, my blog is about me. Not being selfish or nothing... Anyway, I'm getting to my point. I'm in a season. For now. I think this season is ending. There was nothing wrong with the current season of my life, it just needs to change. If you're not changing, you're dead, so I believe I need to change. Not a big change, just a few small adjustments.

When working with a piece of wood, shaving it down to a certain sculpture, you slowly take away the parts that are not part of the final picture. You don't throw away the wood completely, you just shave off the unneeded parts. That simple. I'm just simply shaving the unnecessary parts.

I don't know what the next season holds for Jay Watson. I don't know if it will be a spring or a winter, but I do know that it will be good for me. So, whether it is spring or winter, summer or fall, I'm ready.

I'm pretty scatter-brained at this point, but I do hope this came across understandably. Thanks for reading.

Dreams

Let me start by saying that I don't dream a lot. Or, at least, I don't remember it. I just want you to know that before you think I'm some wacko that overanalyzes everything. Anyway, I've had a similar dream going on for about a week. Here's what happens: I'm surrounded by friends. Well, kind of friends. Close acquaintances is more like it. Anyway, rather suddenly, I feel a rip at my back and something shoots out of my back and I see light everywhere and everyone around me falls to the ground. (All of the "acquaintances") I look behind me and sticking out of my back are huge angel wings. The left is dark and shadowy and the right is pure and made of light. As these wings came out of me, everyone, except a few people, fell to the ground. Now, I can name every person that fell and every person that stood strong. Not everyone in my life was there, but there were quite a few. Well, I wondered what this meant, because many of the fallen, I felt, were very close to me. But they fell anyway.

I think this has meaning. The wings symbolize true colors. They are me. The dark and the light. The good and the bad. The ugly and the beautiful. Message being: Always show your true self. Because when it comes time, your true colors will show and some will stand but many will fall. Surround yourself with those you know will always stand.

There have been many people in my life, and recently, who have said they were my friend but they make no effort to be there for me or invite me to hang with them. Don't get me wrong, I tried to be around them, but they were just too busy. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to push myself anymore to be around people who don't give a damn about me. People I used to work with: don't give a damn. Old girlfriends: (they definitely) don't give a damn. Even certain theatre friends: they don't give a damn either. So, don't be fake with me. I see you and what you want. You don't want to be friends, that's cool. Just don't pretend anymore. Ok? I won't symbolically delete our friendship on Facebook, because I'm friends with people I don't know on there, so I can be friends with you there. I'm not hurt, just don't treat me like a charity case or like I'm some menial wannabe. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not hurt. I'm not mad. Just honest. I hate dishonesty.

The Challenge: Life

Before I start, this is almost a "part II" to my last post. I would recommend reading that one before this one. To fully understand my issuance of a challenge, then you must know where it's coming from...

I kind of want to write this like a letter, so I will. It's my blog. I can do what I want. Ok. Here goes it:

Dear Reader,

I don't know where you are in your life. I don't know the challenges you've faced and the times you've encountered. Here's what I do know: We may not have the same past, but we can have the same, life-giving future.

Life, to me, is not about living, "finishing the race," "reaching the destination," or any other cliche you can think of. Life is a verb. Not a noun. Very similar to love, in that respect, is that you have to give it to get it. But I'll rant on love next time, or whenever...

Ok. Here's my issuance to you. I want you to spread life. I don't know how you'll do that. That's entirely up to you. I can't tell you how to live your life, nor can I tell you what to believe. You have to find it on your own. I can tell you that as a theatre artist, my purpose is to inspire change in the audience that sees the work I have put on stage. Similarly, a painter inspires life through their canvas and oils. For an artist, imitation of life is easy because art, in it's most basic form, life.

Now, life is about balance. So, as well as inspiring others, you must also inspire yourself. I want you to meditate with a smile, fart in an elevator, or go to a store that has been downtown forever and you've never gotten a chance to go there and just make time for yourself. Sit. Stare at the ceiling. Don't get depressed... But stare at the ceiling. It's more comforting than you realize.

Another thing, don't ever say no to love. Don't regret it. It's hard sometimes because you give your love to some that don't return it, but I believe in love karma. Love will make it back to you. Life is balance. It will be returned to you in the form of that perfect person that make your heart leap, and, even more, you'll make their heart leap. Ah, leaping hearts. :) It makes my heart warm.

If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend watching the movie, "Yes Man." You'd be surprised at the power of "yes." It's quite shocking. Just for one day, say yes to everything. I'm not talking bank robberies or nothing, but see what happens. I did it, and it was one of the most fun I've had in a long time.

So, "in conclusion," give life and love and you'll get life and love. Life is balance. It will come back.

United in Life,
Jay Watson

Now that I've written you a letter, I thought I'd tell you that I'm also "Reader." Like any good, unread, unknown blog, I wrote this for myself. I wrote this letter to remind myself of some basic life facts, but, as always, please gather what you can from my thoughts and prophecies.

"Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again."
-Bob Dylan

Creed

I sometimes really hate pictures. In essence, pictures are supposed to remind you of the past. Some might say that they are meant to remind you of the good times you had, and they wouldn't be wrong. However, they also remind you of the bad. Occasionally, I take a look at old pictures. Whether last year or four years ago, I always kind of feel lost, maybe even lonely. I think about all the people I didn't know then, the lives that have impacted mine, and the relationships that have been severed. I even think about the music that I didn't listen to... Like Mayday Parade and Lonely Island... Anyway, I had to wrestle myself out of that "stink" of an attitude and jump into the idea that the path I'm on is THE path that I'm on. There is no other paths. No regrets. I'm proud of my life. I'm proud of my friends. All of them. I love them dearly. The good parts and the bad. I just look back and think about missed opportunities and broken relationships. I'm sad for those lost relationships but the Tao Te Ching says, "... all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugly." I believe that with all my heart. Everything in my life, the good and the bad, have prepared me for this very moment. I am the most prepared I could be. I'm ready. I've been immersing myself in the life of the Tao and I've learned many things. A. It's not much different than the Bible. (In your face fundamentalist Christianity.) B. Life is balance. The latter being the most important, I realize that life is a complicated thing: Delicate in its nature and sensitive in its personality. Everything effects the outcome. The journey determines your destination. Okay, all that to say this:

I will never settle. I will never compromise myself, or force others to compromise themselves. I will never turn off the possibilities of love and its power. I will always strive to be better. I will always stand up for my friends. I will always believe in justice. I will always make choices based on the present. I will stand up for the weak and broken-hearted and never deviate from my beliefs.

I want anyone reading this to know that I didn't say this for you. Like any good, un-read blog, this is for myself. If you read this, thank you. I hope you received a revelation from my revelation. I mostly said this, however, to remind myself. To remind myself of who I am and who/what I love. Thank you for reading.

Continuities

"Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,
No birth, identity, form--no object of the world.
Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;
Appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.
Ample are time and space--ample the fields of Nature.
The body, sluggish, aged, cold--the embers left from earlier fires,
The light in the eye grown dim, shall duly flame again;
The sun now low in the west rises for mornings and for noons continual;
To frozen clods ever the spring's invisible law returns,
With grass and flowers and summer fruits and corn."

Walt Whitman

Life Is Not Fair

The title kind of says it all but I'm going to spell it out for the people with the silver spoons sticking out of their mouth. Do you know what's not fair? A man who works his entire life to provide for his family and lives paycheck to paycheck while the rich man does nothing and will always be well-to-do. That's not fair. A child has to walk three miles barefoot in a war-torn, poverty-stricken nation to get a basketful of dirty water for him and his four brothers. That's not fair. Life just isn't effing fair and it's pissing me the hell off...

On to my personal life. I work hard on my skill as an actor. I take all the classes and go for all the auditions. Someone comes in that couldn't give a rat's rear-end for acting or the program and is dumber than George Bush, and he gets cast. That's not fair.

I'm loyal. I don't cheat. I'm romantic. I'm pretty good looking. I'm cultured and have good manners. Then, some dickhead comes along and rips a girl's heart out, and then I get her. That's my last few relationships. "Leftovers," I like to call them. They never trust you. Ever. You could be Prince effing Harry, but she won't trust you because of the last douche that wrecked her life.

Dear Douches of the World,

Thank you for ruining girls for the rest of the gd-world.

FU,

Jay

I'm a good guy. I know I am. Maybe too much of a good guy. I get it!!! Wait a second! Girls want these guys! They want bad boys! Why?! HellifIknow! Because they're dumb... They like the feeling of adventure... They like being treated like dirt... Who the hell knows? I give up. They're all nuts.

Dear Women of the World,

You are dumb.

Apologies,

Jay

And you know what else? My father verbally treats me like dirt and slime for most of my life and my mother sits back and lets him. He says he wants a divorce, then the next day, he changes his mind and apologizes. Well, guess what. It's too late. Maybe not for my mother, but sure as hell for me. She decides they can work it out. Well, great. But they both forget that damage was done. The die have been cast. It's too late! I'm done...

PS I long for the day when I emotionally flatline. Then I'll be rich and get all the girls.

Signing off.

Here's what I've been thinking...

I'm kinda wondering where to go in life, as I have wondered since the inception of creative thought. But I've realized it's not what I thought. Since my last post, I "ditched the bitch" in my life and now I'm single. I'm happy. So friggin' happy now! I can't even tell you. It feels good to finally be myself instead of trying to be someone else.

LIFE CREEDO: I will never again change myself for anyone or anything.

In celebration of my newfound life motto, I'm doing something for my 21st birthday that is completely and utterly for me. I'm getting a big tattoo. A big one. It will be on my arm. I've been working on this design for 3 years now and I can't wait to see it on me. Anyway, I was putting off getting it because I was worried what people would think. My recent freedom has caused me to finally wish to be who I am. And guess who I am? I'm a proud owner of a tattoo. Yet. I will be.

I think that for the longest time, I was unhappy because I was trying to be a cookie cutter. A mold of the person I wanted to be instead of was. And it wasn't that I wanted to be that person, but I thought I did. It was such a deep rooted craziness and need to please people. So, I'm officially signing off the crazy-train and setting sail to brighter seas. I will be a force of free-thinking in this small state of Arkansas. I am indeed alone in many of my beliefs here, but I think there are ears here that need to listen. Sometimes, we just have to make due with where we have been placed. I believe it is not mere chance that placed me in po-dunk Arkansas. I do want to move somewhere one day where there'll be people like me, but for now, I have been cast in this play.

Anyway, I'm done for now.

PS Thank you to all the people that asked about me while I was gone. I love you all.

General Ranting

I'm starting to wonder what happened to the modern church. Where did it start becoming such an awful thing? I'll tell you a few things that I'm sick of: "Cliche" churches. You know the type of church that has all the same people in it and they do nothing to radicalize the world. The church that would rather travel to Africa to preach and ignore and/or degrade the girl wearing black. You know it.

Anyway, I'm back at college and I need a new church. Simply, it's unpractical to try and make it back to my old church as good as they are. I wonder if anyone realizes that we are ALL sinners? Did the modern church forget this? I think so. Because when a leader is found to be in sin (just like a human), they are outcasted by their church by people they thought loved them. Does that make any sense? You know Jesus was the only perfect person. Don't insult me by pretending you're perfect.

When it comes to picking a church, I want a church that isn't AS bad. I realize that no church is perfect. But Jesus tells us that fellowship is good, so I listen. But I want a church that has action. I want a front-lines kind of church. I want the kind of church that doesn't hide behind the "will" of Christ with their inactive, born-again lazy Christianity.

Eh, I don't know what I'm saying... I should sleep instead of blog. More on this is a book called "Starving Jesus." Best read for this subject. Oh, and watching the movie "Saved!" will give a large interpretation of the people I'm talking about. The character, Hilary Faye, is a big interpretation. Well, goodnight.

Life Since March

Ok, here's the deal. I have been away. (In case you didn't notice.) Since being away, I have been to Ireland, Austin, and Colorado, as well as being a camp counselor for young kids at a camp with little internet. It has been a ride! I have had so much fun this summer. However, I miss writing out what's on my mind, so here I am. I missed you all. Here goes:

In the early parts of the summer, I went to staff training for this camp I work at. It is a Christian kid's camp. Over the past years, I have noticed a decline in my own spirituality. I mean, there was no doubt that I was a Christian. I loved God and occasionally went to church, but there's hot and cold spots in every relationship. Part of me was also angry. Angry at the hard truth of the Gospel. I tried to cover that dying relationship with keeping so "friggin'" busy with life. Even on this very blog, I would just lament about everything. This was my therapist.

Well, anywho, I began to see the decline, so I said, "God, I know that I'm here at this camp for a reason. Let me be an inspiration to these kids and see where you want me in my future. Have it all." I began to grow in my relationship with Christ and see where he wants my life to go. I'm no longer worried about it. I know He has it in control. The thing that made me worry so much about my girlfriend-relationships and my career path after school was that I was trying to do it alone, but when I gave it ALL. He took it ALL. I know God is real because of the work He has done on my heart. I have started to realize that my relationship with Christ is all that matters. This wasn't exactly a "quick" revelation, but I am working on it.

Since my last post, I have also started to date a wonderful woman of God. She challenges me to be a better Godly man and I appreciate her for that. We are trying to build our relationship on God so it lasts.

The point of me writing this is to direct my blog in a new direction. I am going to leave the past blogs up, but I want it to represent my life and what's happening in it. The past is still there, but I'm going in a new direction. Now, this blog won't be a "Christian" blog, but it will be about my life, in which I happen to be a Christian. This is to say if I say something non-Christian-y, I won't be hammered... I'll still call people douches and what-not, I'll just do it with love. :D

My biggest prayer/concern is going from who I was into who I am. For instance, going from old Jay to new Jay at college. At face value, I'm not a good Christian, but I know that I'm forgiven. I hope people see the change as for the good.

What truck?

Today, I was scanning Facebook. I was looking down my home feed and I see a profile picture, not of the person, but of their truck. First of all, I'll go with a bold statement and say that if you have a picture of yourself without a shirt or a picture of your customized car/truck on your Facebook profile picture, you're a douche...

Anyway, I see this picture and it's not an average truck. It has these rims and it's lowered with a custom paint job. I don't understand this. Well, I can understand customizing a car with all these... "trinkets." However, I can not understand the need to do this to a truck. This takes away the very idea and durability of a truck. The purpose of a truck is to haul and do heavy duty things like work on a farm. Not to be a "redneck gangsta." People from my hometown are the worst. They think they're from A-town or H-town or L.A. and they're "gangster." Message to those: You are not. Get it through you're head. You were raised in suburbia.

Basically, my theory is that they're trying to socially connect to a culture they admire by customizing the "admirable" culture and making it their own. Similarly, the religion of Islam forming to the culture it inhabits. Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. Goodbye.

Civilized? Yeah, right.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -Aristotle

"They construct ransom letters from biblical passages..." -Flobots

In essence, this post is a sequel to yesterday's entry. Except, instead of satirically proposing we kill the weak, I actually want to rant a bit. Today, I was able to catch the first hour of The Lost Boys of Sudan and it really made me to see how these boys have grown up to come to America in search of help for their country and they are soon "suckered" into American culture. Currently, there is civil unrest in Africa. Peace treatises are attempting to gain ground, but death still continues. In five short years of war, 300,000 people have been killed. Those numbers include women and children. The Sudanese civil war may have had a "peace" treaty, but there is still problems.

Let me say one thing; I'm not a liberal, tree-hugging, sushi-eating person, or anything like that. But I am a humanitarian. I don't propose that the U.S. step up in every conflict that the world has, because we would never get anything done here. However, I am upset that millions have died in Africa, and we go a couple months of higher gas prices and we invade oil-bearing countries. We claim to justify ourselves under the guise of "homeland security" when all we really want is cheap gas, cheap labor, and cheap cheap cheap.

All I'm trying to say is what if we unconditionally loved for a day? A week? A month? A year? You might say, "Well, America could do that, but our enemies wouldn't and we can't take a break for our own safety..."

"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind." -Mahatma Ghandi

So, can America (the "perfect" society) reach beyond their borders and love? In fact, can they even reach across the street?

You know what I hate? The term "holy war." In Islam, it's called jihad. In Christianity (oh yes, Christians have it too), it's called crusades. It basically gives the right to kill simply because one people don't believe as another. I'm not completely familiar with the teachings of Muhammad, but I have read a little bit. (I believe in knowing about things outside of ourselves.) I know that he taught peace and love just as Jesus did. Over time, we have bastardized the holy writings of our ancestors and conformed it to our own beliefs. "Holy war" is a conundrum in itself, for darkness cannot exist in light and bad cannot exist in good. Jesus went to the people, down to where there were, not to "raise" them up to a higher level of piety, but to give them mercy and love. Jesus taught against piousness. I'm not sure if the modern Christian church got this memo. I love it when the church does trips to a foreign land carrying, not the mercy and love of Christ, but the piety and culture of Christianity. I mean to say that some missionaries (definitely not all, I love them dearly) don't go in with a Christ-like mindset. They basically want to integrate them into American society, rather than just teach Christ. It's very similar to the globalization by the Spaniards and British from the 14th Century to as late as the !9th Century. They came in and forced integration and "civilized" society on these Aztecs and Native Americans and nearly wiped out an entire race. Thanks, White People. Culture is a vital part of the world. Every piece makes up a mosaic of beauty.

Well, I'm done ranting. For now. I now this makes little sense, but I hope you see what I'm saying as a whole. Look at the big picture. Look at the canvas of words I'm trying to paint for you. It may be a bit expressionistic, but I hope you see my message.

Sanctity of Life: Relative?

The other day I was watching a squirrel and wondering if he knew who I was. He's just a squirrel. He doesn't care who I am, honestly. He cares if I were another animal trying hurt him; or does he? Maybe it's just about self-preservation built into our genetic code...

Let me start off this post with making it known that I don't condone murder/maiming/violence.

Well, I continued to walk and think. Think and walk. What I came up with is this: What if the concept of human attitude mixed with self-preservation has caused us to mess with the natural flow of life. Our common (and not to mention, modern) concept of life is that humans shall be preserved and animals are to be genetically modified through preventative reproduction. I guarantee you that if we didn't have the modern concept of "murder" that our society would probably be more genetically advanced. That it to say, animals are not connected to eachother as much as humans are. It is said that an advanced society is higher that "preventative reproduction," but as Jonathan Swift pointed out in "A Modest Proposal," the weakest of any generation can be used for better uses.

On a genetic, instinctive level, humans are animals. We have the same needs as animals. We need food and we need ways to get food. Our bodies are made for a hunting/gathering purpose, rather than a quick drive-thru run. We have natural instincts that are put inside of us. Now the bigger question is such: Are we completely repressed in our instincts, or are we simply waiting for the day those instincts take control?

What is a bigger mind-blower is that I don't think we have completely repressed those instincts. How else do you explain war? I mean, in our "advanced" society, don't you think we would be above war for something as unnecessary to survival as... oil? Diamonds? Or even genocide? Who's to say that we are naturally predisposed to mass genocide?

Let me finish up by saying that I do treasure human life (even the "special" ones), and I do not advise participation in genocide. Thank you.

Call me Dreamweaver.

I'm rather nervous about the events that have been unfolding. Not in my own life, but in my dream world. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Just to give a little background on my dreams: I don't have them. I had maybe two dreams a year before about a year ago. I don't know what's going on, but it's weird. Last night is the reason I decided to write this entry.

So, to get a background, I'll let you know some of the dreams up to this point. The other night, I had a dream I was in an old boxing gym, like in the Rocky movies. Suddenly John Candy is sitting beside me smoking a cigar. The funny thing is: I know I'm dreaming and he knows he's dead. We start talking about acting and watching this boxing workout match. Suddenly, I know what he's there for: he's meant to give me advice. I start asking him questions on life and love and happiness, and he, surprisingly, gives me good answers.

Anyway, last night, I dreamed I was in bed and I look out the window and I see a beautiful day, then a giant storm cloud comes in slowly and almost sucks the daylight out. It's raining now and all I can see is this dark cloud. I try to tell people to move for the storm and I'm speaking Japanese. After a bit of speaking Japanese, I get drafted into the Peace Corps and sent to Japan to work in a hospital. All these people I'm working with have been working there for years and I have no idea what's going on. I turn a corner and I'm in Africa, and there's all these people bleeding and dying, missing limbs. I jump into action and I just start putting limbs back on people and stopping their pain. In one big jump, I'm on the quad at HSU and the storm from earlier is still there coming at me and no one notices it. Once again, I'm yelling in Japanese. I go to the Peace Corps office and they tell me that I'm AWOL and try to arrest me, but I explain that I have to finish college before going into the Peace Corps...

Then I wake up.

This is just a sample of the dreams I have been experiencing. The shocking part, these aren't even the worst. I don't know what to expect tonight. Or the next night.

Mars or Scotland?

I'm very tired. Not physically tired, but emotionally tired. Lately, it feels like my life is a roller coaster. It seems like every relationship that I've had recently is just trying to crumble. I try to foster a relationship with someone and it falls apart.

Somehow, I mess it up. Badly. I wish that I was somehow like Dr. Manhattan. I could just teleport to Mars whenever I feel like I need a quiet vacation. I'm not good with people. Really. Sometimes, I seem like the master with a huge ego, but, really, I'm not either one. I know this is the more depressing of my entries, but I need this.

I was thinking about getting out. When I say "out," I don't know where. But I need out. I'm talking like either out-of-state, or even out-of-country. I now realize why I left the country every Spring; I needed a break from people.

I also wish I was like every other male and could just use people and shrug it off. As much as I need a break from people, I find that I can't survive without frequent human contact. It's a catch-22, if you will. If I were like every other male, I could just use women for a bit, then jump to another. But I wouldn't be able to do that. I would feel like a cheap, dirty person.

Well, here goes the giant catch-22 that is my life. But I need a vacation... Maybe Scotland...

WTF Supreme Court?!

I just found out about a recent Supreme Court decision that upset me very much. Basically, what happened is the Supreme Court repealed the decision to hinder large corporations from paying money into politics.

For those who support the upheaval, they say that the 1st Amendment was upheld. It's the company's right to support whoever they want.

For those like me who disagree with this decision, I believe that this rapes the purity of politics. Granted, politics isn't an innocent school girl, but it's not damned as it is now. Basically, corporations will be able to buy candidates and their votes. Let me say this however, in its purest form, corporations will have no say in what they do. Let's be honest, if someone gave me $1,000,000, I would get a body wax and tattoo my body in their name... So, the question this proposes is this: Will this further demoralize this already depleted political system?

My answer: Yes.

"Beeeeee Yourself!"

Let me start with this: I watch Scrubs. Actually, that's an understatement. I love, love Scrubs. I have all eight seasons on DVD. One of the many reasons I like it (and there are a few), is the fact that J.D. and I are so close in personality. One way that we are the most alike is our self-destructive way. Everytime J.D., or I, is in a relationship, we begin to tear at it and try to find something wrong.

For instance, everytime J.D. would get together with Elliot, he would continually find something wrong with her, and then they'd break up and he'd idolize her again. Well, just yesterday, I was actually thinking to myself, "There's no way this could work. I'm not cool enough. I'm not pretty enough. Something must be wrong with her if she likes me..." Stuff like that. I told my awesome roommate what was going through my head and he just kept telling me I was being ridiculous. That's when I remembered my similarity to J.D. and I'm not going to let it get me this time.

If something is obviously wrong, then I'll address it, but I won't destroy myself. Nor will I let myself fail or feel insecure. I'll just be myself. In the words of Genie from Aladdin, "Beeeeeee yourself!"

The Begin of the Search for the Window

Here I am, once again...

Today, a major door closed in my life. A door that I thought would never close. Well, it closed, but that was the problem. It closed. Then opened. Repeat. I got tired of it. I felt used, like I wasn't important at all. Finally, I just resigned myself to mis-matched destinies and said goodbye. If this... "door" was so interested in me, why did it see other "doors?"

Well, life goes on. I have to get over it. It's done. Long day, and I'm tired. I'll be fine, because I have a window. That window is there if the door is ever closed. Sometimes, people are so focused on the door being closed that they miss out on the window. Well, not me. I'm going for the window, whatever it may be...

PS I tried to be obscure.