Directions

I'm sure if you look at my posts from about a year ago, you'll find me in some similar predicament. If anything, I'm a creature of habit. Here's my problem: I know my path. I know that doesn't sound like much of a problem, but what if you don't want to go that direction.

This reminds me of a story. In some ancient text, a man was asked by God to sacrifice his only child to Him. Although, it wasn't near as simple as that. This was his only son. In those days, that meant a lot. Children were many. You'd have 3 or 4 wives just to keep up with "demand" of procreation. Anyway, this man and his wife had waited years for this gift of a child and now the same God that offered this gift to them was asking it back in the greatest sacrifice of this man's life. This man knew what he had to do. I'm sure he didn't want to do it. I guarantee that. But this man's obedience to God was very high.

Now, if you haven't guessed by now, I'm referring to the story of Abraham and Isaac. For some reason, this story just came to mind when I was meditating about what and where to go in life.

Something you should know about me... I don't like schedules. I don't like lists. I don't like plans. In fact, I will often do the opposite of something just because it's planned. So, obviously, when I was told as a child that God had a plan for me, I was pissed. I remember thinking, "But I don't wanna...." This thought of everything being pre-planned is very comforting to some. But not to me.

A long time ago, a very wise man told me that God (you know, "Big Guy") had a "plan" for me. Scared. The. Mess. Outta me...

Before I go any further, I want to give you an insight of where I'm at.. "spiritually" speaking. I'm not on good terms with organized religion. My last girlfriend was kind of a fanatic and turned me off to the idea of "church." I don't go anymore. I've stopped reading my bible. I have prayed recently, but it's intermittent. This is the reason why this post is so strange to me. I don't know why my "call" has been revamped in my brain, but I think it started when my old boss texted me and asked me to come back again this summer as a camp counselor. I began to reminisce on the fun I had and the friends I made. People I care about very much. I reminisced about myself. I'm different. Not necessarily good or bad, just different. I think I've grown a lot since then. I also think I may have taken a few steps backwards. But that's relative... I've grown in the fact that I have my own doctrine, not something passed down to me. I believe God doesn't make mistakes. I believe we're all beautiful and different and those differences make us the mosaic of humanity that we are. I've realized I don't need a girlfriend to make me happy. I like being single. That took me a long, long time to finally get to that point. I also have a backbone now. Weird, right? I'm not afraid anymore to assert my position, even if no one agrees with me.

So, I'm at this point where God has told me to sacrifice my son to Him. I, Jaybraham, can either go up on the mountain in obedience or keep my son safe from harm.

Lately, I've been feeling some sort of tug on my life. It's not something I can really explain, I just know there's something greater at work moving my path. Last summer, I made a request of God that no matter what I did, he would keep me on the path. As much as I've tried to deviate from that recently, I still feel the path under my feet, even if I am in the darkness. I know exactly where I need to go, what I need to do, but I have no desire to do it, to be perfectly honest. Like I said, I hate plans. The question now is, where do I go from here? I think, easy way or hard way, I'm going to get to the same place.

Exhaustion.

So, I have been sick. Pretty sick. Everyday for the past 4 days, I've woken up to no voice. On top of that, I have no time to rest and I can't afford to skip class. I'm in a very serious catch-22 here. After class, I go to the theatre, where I stay until 10-10:15. Then, I come back to my room to do homework until about 1. I go to sleep, wake up, and do it over again. No rest. No gym. No way to escape. On top of all that, I'm hungry. So, I go to eat Caddo. FYI: Caddo is shit. Pardon my French. There's no other word to describe it. The only "tasty" food is the food that's been bathing in an oil vat for 10-15 minutes. Most of the time, the food is below temperature and stale. Anything "healthy" is just... Well, there isn't anything healthy. My living area isn't so bad. I have a roommate that is really great but living with someone is still hard because we're on two different schedules. When he wants to sleep, I have homework. When I want to sleep, he has class.

Something you should know about food and I: we're in love. Although, I don't love nasty food or junk food. I love health food. Weird. I know. But I do. I love to cook. I love to spice. My food makes me feel cheery and vibrant. When I have junk food, I get sick. (PS I'm sick now. *hint*) I feel gross and slimy and just not good.

I honestly don't know what to do about all of this. I'm weighing my options. But if I have to stay at Henderson and live on campus, I will quit school. I can't go on like this anymore. I't ridiculous. I feel like I'm in prison. I could do off-campus, but I don't have money for rent.

I could transfer. Although, I love my family at Henderson, I just can't be this sick anymore. It's exhausting.

Well, I'm done venting for now. Thanks for reading. If you have any ideas, let me know.

No Right Way

Do you ever think that there is no "right" way? No correct path? No proper order of things? Well, I think I may have done what is right for me for the first time in a long time, but I think I may have crushed someone's spirit. I did what I thought was right and just. That's the correct path, right?

Predicament: I think that sometimes in our lives, what is right for us is not always right. I had issues with someone. They were treating me badly, or at least what I perceived as bad, and I told them exactly how I felt about how they treated me.

I used to be one of those people who would review situations in which someone was rude or pretentious and go through the possibilities of what I could have said to really put them in their place. For once, I told someone exactly what I thought about them right when I wanted to say it, and I hated it. I don't know which is better. To review what you could have said when you wanted to say it, or actually doing it.

I hate myself right now. I honestly could say that the relationship was salvageable before now. Now, I don't think it's possible. If I could take it back, I would. This person is rude and pretentious at times, but they didn't deserve the cut-down I gave them. I said a lot of things that I had no place to say. I guess I figured I was on a roll. I don't think I'll continue using this "back bone." It just makes me feel bad when I use it.

Lesson:
Think what you say before you say it. Simple, I know. But evermore prevalent.

Seasons

With winter finally subsiding (in Arkansas, at least), the seasons are starting to change. The weather is 60 today and it's sunshiny and wonderful. I love the very beginning of spring every year. The buds on the trees begin to bloom, the sun is brighter, and people just seem happier. To me, this is a giant metaphor. Cliche, I know, but cliches are cliches for a reason: They're apt. But, like I was saying, changing seasons, yada yada yada...

Here's the deal. I think that in a person's life, there are seasons. Seasons are not the same for everyone. The frequency and amount of seasons vary from person to person. (I seem overly descriptive, but I want you to get what I mean. I'm not trying to write like you're an idiot. Promise.) Seasons are dark and cold sometimes, but, as the Tao says, you can't truly recognize the beauty without the ugly. Life is balance, and with every bad thing (or season), there is a good thing (or season). See what I'm saying? Even if you don't, my blog is about me. Not being selfish or nothing... Anyway, I'm getting to my point. I'm in a season. For now. I think this season is ending. There was nothing wrong with the current season of my life, it just needs to change. If you're not changing, you're dead, so I believe I need to change. Not a big change, just a few small adjustments.

When working with a piece of wood, shaving it down to a certain sculpture, you slowly take away the parts that are not part of the final picture. You don't throw away the wood completely, you just shave off the unneeded parts. That simple. I'm just simply shaving the unnecessary parts.

I don't know what the next season holds for Jay Watson. I don't know if it will be a spring or a winter, but I do know that it will be good for me. So, whether it is spring or winter, summer or fall, I'm ready.

I'm pretty scatter-brained at this point, but I do hope this came across understandably. Thanks for reading.

Dreams

Let me start by saying that I don't dream a lot. Or, at least, I don't remember it. I just want you to know that before you think I'm some wacko that overanalyzes everything. Anyway, I've had a similar dream going on for about a week. Here's what happens: I'm surrounded by friends. Well, kind of friends. Close acquaintances is more like it. Anyway, rather suddenly, I feel a rip at my back and something shoots out of my back and I see light everywhere and everyone around me falls to the ground. (All of the "acquaintances") I look behind me and sticking out of my back are huge angel wings. The left is dark and shadowy and the right is pure and made of light. As these wings came out of me, everyone, except a few people, fell to the ground. Now, I can name every person that fell and every person that stood strong. Not everyone in my life was there, but there were quite a few. Well, I wondered what this meant, because many of the fallen, I felt, were very close to me. But they fell anyway.

I think this has meaning. The wings symbolize true colors. They are me. The dark and the light. The good and the bad. The ugly and the beautiful. Message being: Always show your true self. Because when it comes time, your true colors will show and some will stand but many will fall. Surround yourself with those you know will always stand.

There have been many people in my life, and recently, who have said they were my friend but they make no effort to be there for me or invite me to hang with them. Don't get me wrong, I tried to be around them, but they were just too busy. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to push myself anymore to be around people who don't give a damn about me. People I used to work with: don't give a damn. Old girlfriends: (they definitely) don't give a damn. Even certain theatre friends: they don't give a damn either. So, don't be fake with me. I see you and what you want. You don't want to be friends, that's cool. Just don't pretend anymore. Ok? I won't symbolically delete our friendship on Facebook, because I'm friends with people I don't know on there, so I can be friends with you there. I'm not hurt, just don't treat me like a charity case or like I'm some menial wannabe. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not hurt. I'm not mad. Just honest. I hate dishonesty.

The Challenge: Life

Before I start, this is almost a "part II" to my last post. I would recommend reading that one before this one. To fully understand my issuance of a challenge, then you must know where it's coming from...

I kind of want to write this like a letter, so I will. It's my blog. I can do what I want. Ok. Here goes it:

Dear Reader,

I don't know where you are in your life. I don't know the challenges you've faced and the times you've encountered. Here's what I do know: We may not have the same past, but we can have the same, life-giving future.

Life, to me, is not about living, "finishing the race," "reaching the destination," or any other cliche you can think of. Life is a verb. Not a noun. Very similar to love, in that respect, is that you have to give it to get it. But I'll rant on love next time, or whenever...

Ok. Here's my issuance to you. I want you to spread life. I don't know how you'll do that. That's entirely up to you. I can't tell you how to live your life, nor can I tell you what to believe. You have to find it on your own. I can tell you that as a theatre artist, my purpose is to inspire change in the audience that sees the work I have put on stage. Similarly, a painter inspires life through their canvas and oils. For an artist, imitation of life is easy because art, in it's most basic form, life.

Now, life is about balance. So, as well as inspiring others, you must also inspire yourself. I want you to meditate with a smile, fart in an elevator, or go to a store that has been downtown forever and you've never gotten a chance to go there and just make time for yourself. Sit. Stare at the ceiling. Don't get depressed... But stare at the ceiling. It's more comforting than you realize.

Another thing, don't ever say no to love. Don't regret it. It's hard sometimes because you give your love to some that don't return it, but I believe in love karma. Love will make it back to you. Life is balance. It will be returned to you in the form of that perfect person that make your heart leap, and, even more, you'll make their heart leap. Ah, leaping hearts. :) It makes my heart warm.

If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend watching the movie, "Yes Man." You'd be surprised at the power of "yes." It's quite shocking. Just for one day, say yes to everything. I'm not talking bank robberies or nothing, but see what happens. I did it, and it was one of the most fun I've had in a long time.

So, "in conclusion," give life and love and you'll get life and love. Life is balance. It will come back.

United in Life,
Jay Watson

Now that I've written you a letter, I thought I'd tell you that I'm also "Reader." Like any good, unread, unknown blog, I wrote this for myself. I wrote this letter to remind myself of some basic life facts, but, as always, please gather what you can from my thoughts and prophecies.

"Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again."
-Bob Dylan

Creed

I sometimes really hate pictures. In essence, pictures are supposed to remind you of the past. Some might say that they are meant to remind you of the good times you had, and they wouldn't be wrong. However, they also remind you of the bad. Occasionally, I take a look at old pictures. Whether last year or four years ago, I always kind of feel lost, maybe even lonely. I think about all the people I didn't know then, the lives that have impacted mine, and the relationships that have been severed. I even think about the music that I didn't listen to... Like Mayday Parade and Lonely Island... Anyway, I had to wrestle myself out of that "stink" of an attitude and jump into the idea that the path I'm on is THE path that I'm on. There is no other paths. No regrets. I'm proud of my life. I'm proud of my friends. All of them. I love them dearly. The good parts and the bad. I just look back and think about missed opportunities and broken relationships. I'm sad for those lost relationships but the Tao Te Ching says, "... all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugly." I believe that with all my heart. Everything in my life, the good and the bad, have prepared me for this very moment. I am the most prepared I could be. I'm ready. I've been immersing myself in the life of the Tao and I've learned many things. A. It's not much different than the Bible. (In your face fundamentalist Christianity.) B. Life is balance. The latter being the most important, I realize that life is a complicated thing: Delicate in its nature and sensitive in its personality. Everything effects the outcome. The journey determines your destination. Okay, all that to say this:

I will never settle. I will never compromise myself, or force others to compromise themselves. I will never turn off the possibilities of love and its power. I will always strive to be better. I will always stand up for my friends. I will always believe in justice. I will always make choices based on the present. I will stand up for the weak and broken-hearted and never deviate from my beliefs.

I want anyone reading this to know that I didn't say this for you. Like any good, un-read blog, this is for myself. If you read this, thank you. I hope you received a revelation from my revelation. I mostly said this, however, to remind myself. To remind myself of who I am and who/what I love. Thank you for reading.